And this is why I love Chelle.
She just texted me and asked "Do you think frogs have boogers?"
I said, probably not, no.
Her reply: "What about deer?"
My answer, Yep.
Totally random, but wonderful too.
Just like the time she texts me at work and says something to the effect of "You know what sounds like so much fun and that we need to do sometime? Go through the drive through at Dairy Queen in reverse"
I laughed, and agreed.
What would I do without her? I have no idea, but I'm so glad I don't have to find out.
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Grandma Rhoda
Today is my grandma's birthday. She's a wonderful grandma. I used to think she was one of those people who was perpetually young, could never grow old, and was as close to an angel as you'd ever get. Life hasn't been easy, but she's borne every trial with a queen's grace and strength. Come to find out, after Parkinson's, divorce from her longtime spouse and love, the death of her youngest son, and various trials life has attempted to beat her down with, I was pretty much right on the mark when it came to who she is.
Sure, life has taken it's toll and she does have a hard time talking correctly sometimes- the affect of Parkinson's. But can I just say I will always and forever love being held by her. I'm her baby girl. She is the one person who can cuddle me just perfectly. Since Parkinson's has set in it is hard for her hands to stay still, but I love it, I love holding them. I love watching them, through the years, making bread, cookies, doing hair, folding laundry, canning, baking, sweeping, clapping. A perfect expression of her.
So many memories of this wonderful woman. She was the one who introduced me to the wonders of dryers. And dancing. And tree houses. And peaches, apricots, and sour pie cherries. "Snowball" bushes, lilacs, and wild roses. Bleeding hearts- the flower, although she has, though the years, been a refuge for many scraped up, bleeding, and broken hearts. Climbing ivy, and those little purple flowers that grow on some sort of ground cover. Her yard has always been a wonderful place. Swings, trampoline, basketball court, volleyball net, apple trees, croquet. Family get togethers, hot dog and marshmallow roasts. Yes. Those are the things that really matter. You see, here it was we learned what love is, what family means.
Somewhere between the piano lessons and cookie making lessons, decorating gingerbread houses, cleaning out the shed and vacuuming the front room floor, she was able to portray to us the value of simply taking the time to slow down and smell the flowers. Appreciate the simple, little things of life. For that's what really matters.
I hope she knows how much she affects all who know her for the better. Her life has been one of service to others, her family, children, grandchildren, friends, complete strangers that soon became friends, neighbors, and so many more.
I'm grateful to be able to claim her for my grandmother and wonderful friend and want to take this time to yet again, express my love and appreciation for her. I love you grandma :)
Sure, life has taken it's toll and she does have a hard time talking correctly sometimes- the affect of Parkinson's. But can I just say I will always and forever love being held by her. I'm her baby girl. She is the one person who can cuddle me just perfectly. Since Parkinson's has set in it is hard for her hands to stay still, but I love it, I love holding them. I love watching them, through the years, making bread, cookies, doing hair, folding laundry, canning, baking, sweeping, clapping. A perfect expression of her.
So many memories of this wonderful woman. She was the one who introduced me to the wonders of dryers. And dancing. And tree houses. And peaches, apricots, and sour pie cherries. "Snowball" bushes, lilacs, and wild roses. Bleeding hearts- the flower, although she has, though the years, been a refuge for many scraped up, bleeding, and broken hearts. Climbing ivy, and those little purple flowers that grow on some sort of ground cover. Her yard has always been a wonderful place. Swings, trampoline, basketball court, volleyball net, apple trees, croquet. Family get togethers, hot dog and marshmallow roasts. Yes. Those are the things that really matter. You see, here it was we learned what love is, what family means.
Somewhere between the piano lessons and cookie making lessons, decorating gingerbread houses, cleaning out the shed and vacuuming the front room floor, she was able to portray to us the value of simply taking the time to slow down and smell the flowers. Appreciate the simple, little things of life. For that's what really matters.
I hope she knows how much she affects all who know her for the better. Her life has been one of service to others, her family, children, grandchildren, friends, complete strangers that soon became friends, neighbors, and so many more.
I'm grateful to be able to claim her for my grandmother and wonderful friend and want to take this time to yet again, express my love and appreciation for her. I love you grandma :)
Friday, April 17, 2009
Craziness
I've been CRAVING chocolate lately. And a good talk with one of my best friends, we have a lot to catch up on. Last night I was able to satisfy both of those cravings at least a little bit. She had a performance and I went for moral support. Moral support means a lot sometimes. More than perhaps we'll ever know.
Can I just tell you how much I love her? She is a wonderful woman and I wonder how long I could have gone on in life without knowing her. We met, and became instant friends the first time we spent more than 5 minutes together. I don't know that I'd still be sane if it wasn't for her, she became my closest friend at a time when I didn't have close (at least in distance) friends. It's a little bit wacky. We are a little bit wacky. But that's just part of how wonderful life is.
I love my classroom when there are no children in it. Haha, that sounds almost horrible, but the silence is good. It's a companion to me too. I talk to my room. Leaving for Spring Break I had a friend with me and started saying goodbye to my room and he looked at me like "are you talking to me?", I laughed and said "I talk to my classroom." I also talk to my car, and my books, my printer, my hair. Some people might think I'm crazy and you know what? I am ;)
Can I just tell you how much I love her? She is a wonderful woman and I wonder how long I could have gone on in life without knowing her. We met, and became instant friends the first time we spent more than 5 minutes together. I don't know that I'd still be sane if it wasn't for her, she became my closest friend at a time when I didn't have close (at least in distance) friends. It's a little bit wacky. We are a little bit wacky. But that's just part of how wonderful life is.
I love my classroom when there are no children in it. Haha, that sounds almost horrible, but the silence is good. It's a companion to me too. I talk to my room. Leaving for Spring Break I had a friend with me and started saying goodbye to my room and he looked at me like "are you talking to me?", I laughed and said "I talk to my classroom." I also talk to my car, and my books, my printer, my hair. Some people might think I'm crazy and you know what? I am ;)
Monday, April 13, 2009
The *not so* Brief Update
So a lot has been happening. Especially in about the past week/week and a half. Spring break began on the 3rd with a half day. I walked out the door that morning and found someone I hadn't expected to see for a while leaned up against the side of my house watching the snow fall. I was too stressed to be pleasantly surprised like I was the last time he randomly showed up- sadly.
Anyway, I invited him in and left him in the kitchen talking to my grandmother, while I went to school. He talked to her the whole time I was gone. It made me laugh, there aren't many friends I have who can do that, but he is one of them.
After school we had a good time, got ice cream, went on a walk, all the usual stuff. Talked. It was good.
He'd come up for the youth retreat that Saturday and Sunday.
That is a whole 'nother story. Let's just say 36 hours and about 15 hours of sleep, don't sit too well with me. I was cranky. And all the stress that'd built up over these past few weeks was only beginning to come out.
Anyway, we got home Sunday afternoon, and stayed up until four that morning, talking again. Long story short, we knew we were going to be in major trouble but it had needed to happen :)
My parents found out the next day... when I walked in the door my uncle was wide awake. I was too tired to care though, I was going to tell them anyway, I just hadn't expected it to be like that. Oh well.
So Monday I travelled home, here to Utah, and that night he came over to my parents home and we straightened things out with them, telling them what we'd talked about and decided so late at night.
Bottom line is.... we're not talking for a month, absolute no contact, and then sometime in the future we're getting back together again. Super happy to finally be able to say that, and my parents are rather relieved we finally owned up to what was going on instead of insisting to 'just be friends'. Haha.
Tuesday I went to go see a friend from my old work and that night I left for my 'disappearing' with my girl friends. I was really really tired and actually we were supposed to have left that morning but I begged them to postpone it a little.
We went to Cedar City (for the first time I can ever remember going there, sad huh?) and stayed with one of the girl's aunts that first night. Then on to Saint George where we spent Wednesday and Thursday. I think we all learned a lot on that trip. Not that it actually came to outright fights or anything, but I realized how much I have changed, who I am. Seeing these girls that I've grown up with since before I can remember, and to see how we have changed, how we are different, and where we are the same, was really a needed experience. And we had fun too.
I found my wedding dress! Just kidding, actually, at the DI for $100, pretty much amazing. It was adorable and only needed a jacket for sleeves or something. It's a pity I didn't have $100 to spare. haha.
We took crazy pictures, fell asleep in the sun, played around in the pool, and did other sorts of insane things that only best friends can do and actually make look good.
Friday we came home, and I spent time with the family. Can I just say how much I'm looking forward to moving home with my family and the community we live in? It's wonderful.
Saturday morning I woke up with all the intentions of getting my car re-registered... and ended up crashing it into a cement barrier at the gas station, deploying the passenger side air bag and leaving even MORE repairs to be done. Seriously, it was really rather hard to see the bright spot in the whole mess. I still don't know how I'm going to be able to pay for it. But it's in God's hands and He'll provide. I do know that I'm grateful no one was hurt and that the damage was minimal.
At this point I was totally NOT in the mood to attend the dance that night and in desparate need of girl time so I called up my best friend Courtney and we arranged to meet up and hang out. But first there were other things to do. Like drive my sister to her friends house and meet up with a friend who'd been insisting we needed to talk face to face for a while. He was right. The conversation needed to take place, there were too many miscommunications that had to be cleared up. It happened, life goes on. What needed to be said was said. Granted it could have taken place better than it did. But the past is in the past.
After that I got to spend hours with Court, catching up on everything. Oh there was tons to cover. Then we drove up to Heber City to visit a friend I call Amazing Boy. He'd just gotten his wisdom teeth removed the day before and boy did I have sympathy for him!
The whole evening was wonderful and completely what I needed.
Sunday was a good day, Easter morning always seems to be beautiful, doesn't matter where you are. I was able to chat for a little bit with my engaged friend. He's marrying one of my best friends come this June, and has always been so encouraging and supportive of me and my dreams. Haha, unfortunately he seems to know that every girl in the world has at one point or another, had a crush on him. So he tends to think all girls love him. Which, he's right, about 90% of the time. It's just the other 10% he is oblivious to. And that makes me laugh.
Then we went over to my aunt's house and did an Easter Egg Hunt. Dad hid these Starburst jellybeans... I don't know if we ever did manage to find all of them. It was tons of fun.
Now I'm here, waiting for news on my car.... and hopefully I can get home in time to teach tomorrow morning. Life goes on!
Anyway, I invited him in and left him in the kitchen talking to my grandmother, while I went to school. He talked to her the whole time I was gone. It made me laugh, there aren't many friends I have who can do that, but he is one of them.
After school we had a good time, got ice cream, went on a walk, all the usual stuff. Talked. It was good.
He'd come up for the youth retreat that Saturday and Sunday.
That is a whole 'nother story. Let's just say 36 hours and about 15 hours of sleep, don't sit too well with me. I was cranky. And all the stress that'd built up over these past few weeks was only beginning to come out.
Anyway, we got home Sunday afternoon, and stayed up until four that morning, talking again. Long story short, we knew we were going to be in major trouble but it had needed to happen :)
My parents found out the next day... when I walked in the door my uncle was wide awake. I was too tired to care though, I was going to tell them anyway, I just hadn't expected it to be like that. Oh well.
So Monday I travelled home, here to Utah, and that night he came over to my parents home and we straightened things out with them, telling them what we'd talked about and decided so late at night.
Bottom line is.... we're not talking for a month, absolute no contact, and then sometime in the future we're getting back together again. Super happy to finally be able to say that, and my parents are rather relieved we finally owned up to what was going on instead of insisting to 'just be friends'. Haha.
Tuesday I went to go see a friend from my old work and that night I left for my 'disappearing' with my girl friends. I was really really tired and actually we were supposed to have left that morning but I begged them to postpone it a little.
We went to Cedar City (for the first time I can ever remember going there, sad huh?) and stayed with one of the girl's aunts that first night. Then on to Saint George where we spent Wednesday and Thursday. I think we all learned a lot on that trip. Not that it actually came to outright fights or anything, but I realized how much I have changed, who I am. Seeing these girls that I've grown up with since before I can remember, and to see how we have changed, how we are different, and where we are the same, was really a needed experience. And we had fun too.
I found my wedding dress! Just kidding, actually, at the DI for $100, pretty much amazing. It was adorable and only needed a jacket for sleeves or something. It's a pity I didn't have $100 to spare. haha.
We took crazy pictures, fell asleep in the sun, played around in the pool, and did other sorts of insane things that only best friends can do and actually make look good.
Friday we came home, and I spent time with the family. Can I just say how much I'm looking forward to moving home with my family and the community we live in? It's wonderful.
Saturday morning I woke up with all the intentions of getting my car re-registered... and ended up crashing it into a cement barrier at the gas station, deploying the passenger side air bag and leaving even MORE repairs to be done. Seriously, it was really rather hard to see the bright spot in the whole mess. I still don't know how I'm going to be able to pay for it. But it's in God's hands and He'll provide. I do know that I'm grateful no one was hurt and that the damage was minimal.
At this point I was totally NOT in the mood to attend the dance that night and in desparate need of girl time so I called up my best friend Courtney and we arranged to meet up and hang out. But first there were other things to do. Like drive my sister to her friends house and meet up with a friend who'd been insisting we needed to talk face to face for a while. He was right. The conversation needed to take place, there were too many miscommunications that had to be cleared up. It happened, life goes on. What needed to be said was said. Granted it could have taken place better than it did. But the past is in the past.
After that I got to spend hours with Court, catching up on everything. Oh there was tons to cover. Then we drove up to Heber City to visit a friend I call Amazing Boy. He'd just gotten his wisdom teeth removed the day before and boy did I have sympathy for him!
The whole evening was wonderful and completely what I needed.
Sunday was a good day, Easter morning always seems to be beautiful, doesn't matter where you are. I was able to chat for a little bit with my engaged friend. He's marrying one of my best friends come this June, and has always been so encouraging and supportive of me and my dreams. Haha, unfortunately he seems to know that every girl in the world has at one point or another, had a crush on him. So he tends to think all girls love him. Which, he's right, about 90% of the time. It's just the other 10% he is oblivious to. And that makes me laugh.
Then we went over to my aunt's house and did an Easter Egg Hunt. Dad hid these Starburst jellybeans... I don't know if we ever did manage to find all of them. It was tons of fun.
Now I'm here, waiting for news on my car.... and hopefully I can get home in time to teach tomorrow morning. Life goes on!
Monday, March 23, 2009
Happiness is a Choice
I hate goodbyes. They are not fun.
Ok, now that I've gotten that said, on to happier things.
Yes, my sisters are gone. They left right after Sunday School yesterday morning. I miss them already but the fact that I will be home in two weeks gives me great happiness, and I'm not gonna lie, moving back home will be a totally welcome development.
I got a letter today! Absolutely love letters :D It's actually a little bit ridiculous how happy I get when I have one. I should write my missionary friends more often though.... and other friends who email me.... sorry guys.
It's sunshiny and wonderful today! My student Alley brought me some flowers today, buttercups to be exact. Picked right out of the field and still smelling wonderful, it was amazing! :D
It's been raining these past few days, I love the rain.
School is good. Really these kids are such good friends to me, it's more than I deserve sometimes.
Music class is now over though, it ended for the year at the performance they had this past Friday. Some are happy, others sad, but one thing's for sure, it'll be here again next year.
We are onto the last quarter of the school year.... insane huh? But not really, I can't wait for it to be over, even while I know it will be sorely missed. So life goes on, and it's just what we need, right when we need it.
I'm reading Isaiah Decoded, wonderful book, although truthfully I do wish he'd use more references in his text. Anyway, I love it very much, and I'm learning a lot of things. Some that I already 'know'. That is something I've come to realize about the gospel. How much most of it, I seem to have already known all along. It's more of a remembering. "Oh yes, this is the way it is"
Something I love about the gospel is how much it just MAKES SENSE. It just does. Truth always will. The parts that seem to be confusing are only because we muddy the waters and are imperfect in our application of the gospel to everyday life sometimes.
I was reading something aloud to Lisa about how trials are there to exalt us, and she commented something I wanted to share, because it struck me as well. It's on pages 50-53 for those who care to read along and see really what the book said but basically the principle it was discussing was how in order to ascend to heaven, we have to temporarily descend into hell. Our loyalty in the blood-covenant with Christ will be tested, so God knows who it is that he can count on. The higher the ascent, the lower the temporary descent. And Lis said this:
"It's so funny with things like this how much it's more of an 'in one ear, out the other' kind of thing" and I was like What? She went on to explain. How much we *already know* at least in theory, if not in fact, that God gives us trials because he loves us, but when we're in the middle of the trial, we always seem to ask Why? Why Me?
I agree with her. Funny thing isn't it?
Ok, now that I've gotten that said, on to happier things.
Yes, my sisters are gone. They left right after Sunday School yesterday morning. I miss them already but the fact that I will be home in two weeks gives me great happiness, and I'm not gonna lie, moving back home will be a totally welcome development.
I got a letter today! Absolutely love letters :D It's actually a little bit ridiculous how happy I get when I have one. I should write my missionary friends more often though.... and other friends who email me.... sorry guys.
It's sunshiny and wonderful today! My student Alley brought me some flowers today, buttercups to be exact. Picked right out of the field and still smelling wonderful, it was amazing! :D
It's been raining these past few days, I love the rain.
School is good. Really these kids are such good friends to me, it's more than I deserve sometimes.
Music class is now over though, it ended for the year at the performance they had this past Friday. Some are happy, others sad, but one thing's for sure, it'll be here again next year.
We are onto the last quarter of the school year.... insane huh? But not really, I can't wait for it to be over, even while I know it will be sorely missed. So life goes on, and it's just what we need, right when we need it.
I'm reading Isaiah Decoded, wonderful book, although truthfully I do wish he'd use more references in his text. Anyway, I love it very much, and I'm learning a lot of things. Some that I already 'know'. That is something I've come to realize about the gospel. How much most of it, I seem to have already known all along. It's more of a remembering. "Oh yes, this is the way it is"
Something I love about the gospel is how much it just MAKES SENSE. It just does. Truth always will. The parts that seem to be confusing are only because we muddy the waters and are imperfect in our application of the gospel to everyday life sometimes.
I was reading something aloud to Lisa about how trials are there to exalt us, and she commented something I wanted to share, because it struck me as well. It's on pages 50-53 for those who care to read along and see really what the book said but basically the principle it was discussing was how in order to ascend to heaven, we have to temporarily descend into hell. Our loyalty in the blood-covenant with Christ will be tested, so God knows who it is that he can count on. The higher the ascent, the lower the temporary descent. And Lis said this:
"It's so funny with things like this how much it's more of an 'in one ear, out the other' kind of thing" and I was like What? She went on to explain. How much we *already know* at least in theory, if not in fact, that God gives us trials because he loves us, but when we're in the middle of the trial, we always seem to ask Why? Why Me?
I agree with her. Funny thing isn't it?
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Reclusion
So guess what! I *might* go down to Mexico in May!!!! haha totally super excited if I can. My uncle is getting married there and anyway, if I can get things worked out to where I am able to leave, I'm going. It won't be to the part of Mexico that I really want to see, but it's Mexico nonetheless.
I figured out that I'm really bad at corresponding sometimes.... I'm pretty positive I owe every single one of my missionary friends a reply and there are others that I need to email back too. It's kind of.... really bad of me.
I have a phone again though, that's nice. It was kind of funny, I get this email from my dad saying "I reactivated your phone since it's been a month" and I was like ...ok, what happened to the whole 'might as well get your own phone plan because I'm really ticked off at you' thing? I mean, not that I'm against having a phone again, it will be nice to be able to call up my family without borrowing Lisa's phone.... or waiting for them to call me.
One thing I noticed though is how much of a recluse I'm becoming, have become. I really don't care to extend myself to new people or even some others who have been at various stages of closeness lately. I just don't care. And that's ok.
I mean, the people I really care about, my family, my students, and work, are all I really care about right now. My sisters are coming up not this weekend but the next, and that will be wonderful :) I can't wait to see them. It will be nice to just have Time. Time with them again.
And really, friends can just wait. I have other things to do, as I'm sure, they do too.
I figured out that I'm really bad at corresponding sometimes.... I'm pretty positive I owe every single one of my missionary friends a reply and there are others that I need to email back too. It's kind of.... really bad of me.
I have a phone again though, that's nice. It was kind of funny, I get this email from my dad saying "I reactivated your phone since it's been a month" and I was like ...ok, what happened to the whole 'might as well get your own phone plan because I'm really ticked off at you' thing? I mean, not that I'm against having a phone again, it will be nice to be able to call up my family without borrowing Lisa's phone.... or waiting for them to call me.
One thing I noticed though is how much of a recluse I'm becoming, have become. I really don't care to extend myself to new people or even some others who have been at various stages of closeness lately. I just don't care. And that's ok.
I mean, the people I really care about, my family, my students, and work, are all I really care about right now. My sisters are coming up not this weekend but the next, and that will be wonderful :) I can't wait to see them. It will be nice to just have Time. Time with them again.
And really, friends can just wait. I have other things to do, as I'm sure, they do too.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Raspberries and Cheese Sticks
Interesting thought. My friend Matt and I were talking yesterday. Good guy that one. It's been a while since we've really had a good conversation and it was nice to catch up :)
He said something that really made me stop and think. Falling in love with someone just because they are there, familiar, and not necessarily because it is right. Hmmmm. Something I don't want to do, but at the same time, don't quite understand how that would work. Like, I can understand how that COULD happen, and how it would be wrong. But you can't really fall in love with someone who's not there. Haha, guess I'll need to think about this one some more.
Last night Chelle and I went to get ice cream. Yes. It was snowing, and we were eating ice cream. I love that girl. We are going to have so much fun if we do end up getting an apartment together sometime. She's decided we will have a steady supply of raspberries and cheese sticks. Which I'm totally good with. haha
Today is kind of a slacking of energy day. Not so good but at least it's Friday. And lunch is on the boss! Yay can't wait for that :D
He said something that really made me stop and think. Falling in love with someone just because they are there, familiar, and not necessarily because it is right. Hmmmm. Something I don't want to do, but at the same time, don't quite understand how that would work. Like, I can understand how that COULD happen, and how it would be wrong. But you can't really fall in love with someone who's not there. Haha, guess I'll need to think about this one some more.
Last night Chelle and I went to get ice cream. Yes. It was snowing, and we were eating ice cream. I love that girl. We are going to have so much fun if we do end up getting an apartment together sometime. She's decided we will have a steady supply of raspberries and cheese sticks. Which I'm totally good with. haha
Today is kind of a slacking of energy day. Not so good but at least it's Friday. And lunch is on the boss! Yay can't wait for that :D
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Just like that
IT'S SNOWING! Sort of, kind of. At least, snowflakes are floating around in the air, not so sure any of them are actually hitting the ground, but they're there.
I got flowers! Pretty jonquils. Or, for those who don't know what a jonquil is, daffodils. It's National Dental Assistant week this week I guess. And the dentist I work with got all of the girls flowers. Potted, so we can plant them if we want to. They are so lovely, all yellow and teeny and happy. Sitting on my windowsill, every time I see them they make me smile.
No work today, OSHA training in the office and I just finished my certification not even a year ago, plus it costs more for each person, so I get the day off.
I've figured out that I grind my teeth more on one side of my mouth than I do on the other. Funky, but true. We had someone come in for a consult on veneers and that's what made me think of my teeth. I've had people comment on how white and straight they look, but in reality, they do need work. I hope I can get braces soon before too much preventable damage happens. Although I am really blessed and grateful to have the good teeth that I do.
I am so totally in the mood to go horseback riding right now, all the sudden. Random fact.
I'm sort of really in a random mood, so this gets to catch most of it.
Haha, I just got an email from a girl friend. She is one of my friends I've grown up with, there is a group of 'us four' and we do really good at taking over the world, looking gorgeous, being random, fighting amongst ourselves, and yet are ready to defend each other to the end no matter what. It's awesome. Anyway. She is going to be attending George Wythe college in Southern Utah this next fall, at least that's the plan. She was talking about this time next year, how she'll hopefully be in school. Another one of 'the four' is getting married in June, SUPER excited for that and for her :D She might be expecting this time next year.... Crazy to think about but really cute at the same time, I get to be an 'aunt'!
But as for me and my 'twin' (we were born on the same day, same year. NOT that that makes us even slightly alike, I'm chocolate, she's vanilla. And that's just skin coloring. Haha) the other two of the group, we don't know what we'll be doing this time next year. Which, is actually totally good with me. For me I know that somewhere along the way I'll figure out. Maybe just a few months before, that's how I roll I suppose. This Montana move went like that. A few months before graduation, my aunt said I should move up with her, I said "sure! I would love that!" Then halfway through the summer another aunt, called and said they were looking for teachers here at the school, and again I said "sure! Sounds like fun!" and I did and now here I am. Taadaa!
I got flowers! Pretty jonquils. Or, for those who don't know what a jonquil is, daffodils. It's National Dental Assistant week this week I guess. And the dentist I work with got all of the girls flowers. Potted, so we can plant them if we want to. They are so lovely, all yellow and teeny and happy. Sitting on my windowsill, every time I see them they make me smile.
No work today, OSHA training in the office and I just finished my certification not even a year ago, plus it costs more for each person, so I get the day off.
I've figured out that I grind my teeth more on one side of my mouth than I do on the other. Funky, but true. We had someone come in for a consult on veneers and that's what made me think of my teeth. I've had people comment on how white and straight they look, but in reality, they do need work. I hope I can get braces soon before too much preventable damage happens. Although I am really blessed and grateful to have the good teeth that I do.
I am so totally in the mood to go horseback riding right now, all the sudden. Random fact.
I'm sort of really in a random mood, so this gets to catch most of it.
Haha, I just got an email from a girl friend. She is one of my friends I've grown up with, there is a group of 'us four' and we do really good at taking over the world, looking gorgeous, being random, fighting amongst ourselves, and yet are ready to defend each other to the end no matter what. It's awesome. Anyway. She is going to be attending George Wythe college in Southern Utah this next fall, at least that's the plan. She was talking about this time next year, how she'll hopefully be in school. Another one of 'the four' is getting married in June, SUPER excited for that and for her :D She might be expecting this time next year.... Crazy to think about but really cute at the same time, I get to be an 'aunt'!
But as for me and my 'twin' (we were born on the same day, same year. NOT that that makes us even slightly alike, I'm chocolate, she's vanilla. And that's just skin coloring. Haha) the other two of the group, we don't know what we'll be doing this time next year. Which, is actually totally good with me. For me I know that somewhere along the way I'll figure out. Maybe just a few months before, that's how I roll I suppose. This Montana move went like that. A few months before graduation, my aunt said I should move up with her, I said "sure! I would love that!" Then halfway through the summer another aunt, called and said they were looking for teachers here at the school, and again I said "sure! Sounds like fun!" and I did and now here I am. Taadaa!
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Fireflies and Love Letters
Haha, you know what I was just thinking about? Those times at work when we'd have just about nothing to do so I'd write love letters. They were pretty amazing. My friend Tyler and I would exchange them. I love that boy so much, he always knew the perfect thing to say or do to just make you feel like you were on top of the world. Funny thing is, he did it to every girl so you knew that that was just the way he was. And yet, it worked anyway, every time. I miss him. He's serving a mission in Korea right now and it's been a while since I've heard from him. I need to write him another love letter. Just for old times sake.
Haha, it even got to the point where we had one of the other employee's totally convinced we were eloping to Vegas anytime. It super confused her though because she knew that I'd had this thing for another guy at the time and she didn't understand what had happened to him. Nothing had, the letters were just play. I guess maybe that's one of the reasons I always thought guys and girls can just be friends and have it work. Because I knew a unique group of guys, where that really was the case. We were just friends, really good friends, and that's all there was to it.
There is a song that says
"So we treat our love like a firefly
Like it only gets to shine for a little while
Catch it in a mason jar
With holes in the top
And run like hell to show it off"
It used to drive me absolutely batty. I really did not care for the song at all. But now, I was listening to it yesterday, and I realized, that the strong aversion I had once is gone. Because now I know what it feels like to need to 'treat your love like a firefly' and I can relate to the song. Whereas before, I didn't get it, now I do.
Haha, it even got to the point where we had one of the other employee's totally convinced we were eloping to Vegas anytime. It super confused her though because she knew that I'd had this thing for another guy at the time and she didn't understand what had happened to him. Nothing had, the letters were just play. I guess maybe that's one of the reasons I always thought guys and girls can just be friends and have it work. Because I knew a unique group of guys, where that really was the case. We were just friends, really good friends, and that's all there was to it.
There is a song that says
"So we treat our love like a firefly
Like it only gets to shine for a little while
Catch it in a mason jar
With holes in the top
And run like hell to show it off"
It used to drive me absolutely batty. I really did not care for the song at all. But now, I was listening to it yesterday, and I realized, that the strong aversion I had once is gone. Because now I know what it feels like to need to 'treat your love like a firefly' and I can relate to the song. Whereas before, I didn't get it, now I do.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Wordless Conversations
So really, human moments are not my favorite. I love getting over them, and learning what it is they have to teach, but I don't particularly care for the way they kind of kick you where it hurts. Going through a lot of those.... I didn't used to. I used to have life down, and it was perfect, I was perfect. Ok, not really, but the illusion was easier to keep up. Now, not so much. Now I struggle with emotions and feelings that shouldn't be there. Stupid actions resulting from lack of self-control and ill-judged situations. And I can't exactly just pretend it all away again. Which is good. It's a good thing really.
I learn a lot more this way, it just also hurts a lot more this way too. Pride is something we all have, and I have an ample amount. Temper at someone who is doing things 'wrong' or criticizing a weakness I have. That is a huge one. Learning to accept feedback, whether helpfully, or destructively meant. I tend to ramble on and finish other people's sentences for them because I think I know what they are going to say and they are just taking too long to say it. Haha. Bad tendency. One that I need to fix. I am slowly relearning the blessing and need there is to just not say anything at all sometimes.
You can learn a lot from just shutting your mouth. One, how much idle chatter really is most of all we say throughout the day. Two, who you really are. Processing the thoughts before they just Come out of your mouth, is not exactly something for the weak.
I will tell you one thing I miss a lot, that sucks so bad about missing my best friends. The way we can just sit there, not saying anything, and completely not need to. We read each other's thoughts enough to not need to. But it's more than that. We just have enough, to just be there, that is enough. To know that they are there, is all we have needed. Sometimes conversation just isn't needed. Silence is though.
Reminds me of another funny quirk about being a girl with a best friend on a double date. Courtney and I would often have completely separate conversations with only about three spoken words, the poor guys were so clueless. It was awesome.
I learn a lot more this way, it just also hurts a lot more this way too. Pride is something we all have, and I have an ample amount. Temper at someone who is doing things 'wrong' or criticizing a weakness I have. That is a huge one. Learning to accept feedback, whether helpfully, or destructively meant. I tend to ramble on and finish other people's sentences for them because I think I know what they are going to say and they are just taking too long to say it. Haha. Bad tendency. One that I need to fix. I am slowly relearning the blessing and need there is to just not say anything at all sometimes.
You can learn a lot from just shutting your mouth. One, how much idle chatter really is most of all we say throughout the day. Two, who you really are. Processing the thoughts before they just Come out of your mouth, is not exactly something for the weak.
I will tell you one thing I miss a lot, that sucks so bad about missing my best friends. The way we can just sit there, not saying anything, and completely not need to. We read each other's thoughts enough to not need to. But it's more than that. We just have enough, to just be there, that is enough. To know that they are there, is all we have needed. Sometimes conversation just isn't needed. Silence is though.
Reminds me of another funny quirk about being a girl with a best friend on a double date. Courtney and I would often have completely separate conversations with only about three spoken words, the poor guys were so clueless. It was awesome.
Awkward!
I went into this weekend knowing that it would teach me a lot. And being willing to learn. I learned a few things.
First of all, how perfectly normal it is for me to just be home, with my family, again. I really think I will just move back home when the summer comes instead of getting an apartment. I woke up Friday morning, as the kids were getting ready for school, and it just felt completely right. To be right there. With them. I mean, sure, we are cramped and rather tried for space, but it's home. Where I can snuggle anytime and hold my babies and read stories with them. Help them learn and grow. These are my kids. These are my best friends, my longest friends. They mean the world to me.
I also learned what it felt like to have let go of my ex-boyfriend. Which, might seem silly, but now, instead of being an 'ex' he is just one of my best friends. And that is where he's needed to be for some time. Really finally being able to let go and feel that release, was superbly weird, yet awesome at the same time. I mean, not gonna lie, I still do think he's attractive (which really makes no logical sense since there are far better looking guys around) but I have lots of friends I will readily admit are gorgeous looking. And not just the girls. It was just like, I didn't need to know that he was looking at me all the time, be talking to him all the time, or even be in the same vicinity as he was all the time. Admittedly, we did happen to talk a lot. But I didn't NEED it like I have in the past. Kind of funny thing to feel. Certainly not something I was used to, but I could very well get used to it. The not NEEDING him to be close.
I also learned that really, I am 100% happy and completely totally thoroughly happy to be single. I don't want anything. Anything more. I mean, it's not even flattering at this point. It reminded me of this notice I felt like posting once. Because I was so frustrated that every friendship I had seemed to be wanting more than I was willing to give, more than I had to give. As far as 'more than friends'. I didn't post it broadly, just sent it to a select few, my sister being one of them. She has it saved on her phone. Which made me really laugh, to see it still there. But it was so good to be reminded.
Something else I realized is that truthfully, there is always going to be a slight 'awkward' factor that plays into everything. I mean, you could make anything awkward if you really thought about it. But just because it has the potential to be, doesn't mean you need to feel awkward. It was interesting. I talked with this couple who in truth, I was completely fine with seeing, but they seemed to intentionally try to make things weird and strange and awkward. I did my best to not be affected by it, and I wasn't too much. But it was funny to see the immense potential there, for being awkward.
Awkward is a weird word anyway, very appropriately named.
First of all, how perfectly normal it is for me to just be home, with my family, again. I really think I will just move back home when the summer comes instead of getting an apartment. I woke up Friday morning, as the kids were getting ready for school, and it just felt completely right. To be right there. With them. I mean, sure, we are cramped and rather tried for space, but it's home. Where I can snuggle anytime and hold my babies and read stories with them. Help them learn and grow. These are my kids. These are my best friends, my longest friends. They mean the world to me.
I also learned what it felt like to have let go of my ex-boyfriend. Which, might seem silly, but now, instead of being an 'ex' he is just one of my best friends. And that is where he's needed to be for some time. Really finally being able to let go and feel that release, was superbly weird, yet awesome at the same time. I mean, not gonna lie, I still do think he's attractive (which really makes no logical sense since there are far better looking guys around) but I have lots of friends I will readily admit are gorgeous looking. And not just the girls. It was just like, I didn't need to know that he was looking at me all the time, be talking to him all the time, or even be in the same vicinity as he was all the time. Admittedly, we did happen to talk a lot. But I didn't NEED it like I have in the past. Kind of funny thing to feel. Certainly not something I was used to, but I could very well get used to it. The not NEEDING him to be close.
I also learned that really, I am 100% happy and completely totally thoroughly happy to be single. I don't want anything. Anything more. I mean, it's not even flattering at this point. It reminded me of this notice I felt like posting once. Because I was so frustrated that every friendship I had seemed to be wanting more than I was willing to give, more than I had to give. As far as 'more than friends'. I didn't post it broadly, just sent it to a select few, my sister being one of them. She has it saved on her phone. Which made me really laugh, to see it still there. But it was so good to be reminded.
Something else I realized is that truthfully, there is always going to be a slight 'awkward' factor that plays into everything. I mean, you could make anything awkward if you really thought about it. But just because it has the potential to be, doesn't mean you need to feel awkward. It was interesting. I talked with this couple who in truth, I was completely fine with seeing, but they seemed to intentionally try to make things weird and strange and awkward. I did my best to not be affected by it, and I wasn't too much. But it was funny to see the immense potential there, for being awkward.
Awkward is a weird word anyway, very appropriately named.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Crash and Burn
Needy. That's what it is. My mom and I were talking about different things, stuff I needed to watch out for in my friendships with guys. And depending on them way a lot was one of those things. Guys like meeting needs. That's what they are good at. But when you don't need them to, don't want them too, it gets frustrating. Also, as the girl, I needed to watch out that I was not demanding more than I should, from my guy friends. And it's something I struggle with, knowing when I demand and take too much. More than I should.
Well recently, I have noticed, yet again, how needy a certain friendship I have with an individual is. It's like, I need to be there, all the time, talking to them. If I'm not, they are saddened. An worried. It sort of drove me away really. Watching that, how much they needed that, and knowing I can't fulfill what perhaps in their heart of hearts, wants. One thing they love to do is help others find answers. And I don't feel like they can. It's just frustrating you know? I'm sorry. You read this blog, and if it really ticks you off that I'm writing about this, I'm not really sorry. Maybe then we can talk about it.
It has been my fault. For turning to this person way too often. Letting them be my "Jiminy Cricket" when really, it was better for me to have turned to my family or myself. Or girl friends.
But I feel like, even though they say maybe I'm reading too much into what they don't say, maybe again, I'm not. It doesn't change the fact that I don't want to hear how I am the one who makes them smile the most. That shouldn't be me. That's not my place. It doesn't change the fact that I am ok with them being an 'outsider' as they phrased it, to my thoughts and innermost feelings. That's where they need to be. So deal with it.
I don't need them. As rude as that might sound. I don't. My life worked perfectly well without them before now, it can do it again. I don't want their help with finding my answers, to be my Jiminy Cricket anymore. Except prayers are always good, because those are through God's message system.
But stop thinking that you are going to be there with me every step of the way. To catch me when I fall. I don't want you to, that's not your place. Just let me fall. Crash and burn if so be it. I won't. but if I do, then I will do it with myself, and with family.
I don't know. I'm just venting here. But I do know the way that I feel.
Well recently, I have noticed, yet again, how needy a certain friendship I have with an individual is. It's like, I need to be there, all the time, talking to them. If I'm not, they are saddened. An worried. It sort of drove me away really. Watching that, how much they needed that, and knowing I can't fulfill what perhaps in their heart of hearts, wants. One thing they love to do is help others find answers. And I don't feel like they can. It's just frustrating you know? I'm sorry. You read this blog, and if it really ticks you off that I'm writing about this, I'm not really sorry. Maybe then we can talk about it.
It has been my fault. For turning to this person way too often. Letting them be my "Jiminy Cricket" when really, it was better for me to have turned to my family or myself. Or girl friends.
But I feel like, even though they say maybe I'm reading too much into what they don't say, maybe again, I'm not. It doesn't change the fact that I don't want to hear how I am the one who makes them smile the most. That shouldn't be me. That's not my place. It doesn't change the fact that I am ok with them being an 'outsider' as they phrased it, to my thoughts and innermost feelings. That's where they need to be. So deal with it.
I don't need them. As rude as that might sound. I don't. My life worked perfectly well without them before now, it can do it again. I don't want their help with finding my answers, to be my Jiminy Cricket anymore. Except prayers are always good, because those are through God's message system.
But stop thinking that you are going to be there with me every step of the way. To catch me when I fall. I don't want you to, that's not your place. Just let me fall. Crash and burn if so be it. I won't. but if I do, then I will do it with myself, and with family.
I don't know. I'm just venting here. But I do know the way that I feel.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Deciding
It's a Monday! And back to the everydayness of life. But that's ok. I got to talk to my family last night, those Sunday night calls are becoming the highlight of my day. I'm going to come home this weekend, it's been two months since I've seen my family, and I can hardly wait. Just thinking about it makes me incredibly happy. Time to celebrate birthdays and catch up on stories. And reconnect with friends. My family has some of my longest time friends in it. They weren't always such good friends, but I'm learning to appreciate them more now that I'm not around as much. Sad that that's the way it is, we don't truly know the value of what we have until we don't anymore. I'm just glad I can come home and see them.
I got a lesson yesterday, in how to be a friend. Mostly just because it had hit the point where I didn't know how to be, so I didn't want it anymore. This friend and I just fell apart. Somehow, we just all of the sudden weren't so close and supportive of each 0ther. I saw a need I couldn't meet, and instead of standing there and being ok with that, I was retreating. I didn't know all I really needed to do was to stand there and watch. Let it happen, let them grow. Instead of somehow thinking I needed to change it, affect it somehow. Yesterday finally though, we talked about it. And I've missed them, really I have. It was just scary and I didn't know what to do, so I chose to start walking away. Which, is not exactly the smartest thing to do.
I have this tendancy to put deadlines and expectations on myself that I really believe are coming from other people, when they really aren't. It makes for stress. And retreating. Feeling helpless.
It's not so smart.
I miss my best friend. I really do. I have lots of them, but this best friend is something special. There is just something about them that always makes me happy and want to be a better person.
I love being able to have the kinds of friendships where you can set them down, because there are other things on your plate at the time, but that when you reconnect, you've changed for sure, the friendship has not been dimished by time though. If anything, it's like a present you can reopen time and time again and it never gets old. Well we are going through one of the not so close times, it's just what happens. What needs to happen. That doesn't change the fact that I miss them lots.
It's funny, figuring out what you really want. It's a little bit terrifying too because, as long as things are not set, you can't really fail can you? At least that's what I thought. But if you don't say what it is you DO want, how can you know what you DON'T want? How can you know if you really ever get what it is you want. If you never take the time to decide.
I got a lesson yesterday, in how to be a friend. Mostly just because it had hit the point where I didn't know how to be, so I didn't want it anymore. This friend and I just fell apart. Somehow, we just all of the sudden weren't so close and supportive of each 0ther. I saw a need I couldn't meet, and instead of standing there and being ok with that, I was retreating. I didn't know all I really needed to do was to stand there and watch. Let it happen, let them grow. Instead of somehow thinking I needed to change it, affect it somehow. Yesterday finally though, we talked about it. And I've missed them, really I have. It was just scary and I didn't know what to do, so I chose to start walking away. Which, is not exactly the smartest thing to do.
I have this tendancy to put deadlines and expectations on myself that I really believe are coming from other people, when they really aren't. It makes for stress. And retreating. Feeling helpless.
It's not so smart.
I miss my best friend. I really do. I have lots of them, but this best friend is something special. There is just something about them that always makes me happy and want to be a better person.
I love being able to have the kinds of friendships where you can set them down, because there are other things on your plate at the time, but that when you reconnect, you've changed for sure, the friendship has not been dimished by time though. If anything, it's like a present you can reopen time and time again and it never gets old. Well we are going through one of the not so close times, it's just what happens. What needs to happen. That doesn't change the fact that I miss them lots.
It's funny, figuring out what you really want. It's a little bit terrifying too because, as long as things are not set, you can't really fail can you? At least that's what I thought. But if you don't say what it is you DO want, how can you know what you DON'T want? How can you know if you really ever get what it is you want. If you never take the time to decide.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Unknown supporters
I was thinking about yesterday, when we went to see Chelle's sister play her basketball game. It got over and we were walking out when she came back from the dressing room and asked us if we knew how much they'd lost by, we said Yeah, we saw most of the game. She hadn't even seen us. We'd sat there, hurried from what it was we'd been doing when her game started, sat on the bleachers and watched. To show our support for her. And she didn't even notice. Which was alright, not a big deal at all, we'd had fun being there and chatting with those around us.
It made me think though of the times perhaps I have had others cheering for me, wanting what is best and being there to support me, when I didn't even bother to look up in the "bleachers" and appreciate it. How many people have been there through my life, affecting it in countless ways, and I didn't even know it.
And then there are those who I do know the affect they've had on my life. While on our walk the topic of boys came up (hey, we're girls, what can you expect?) and I started thinking of all the things I have learned from certain men that have come into my life. Even certain women. For the most part, those who have past, I know what roles they played. But for those who are still here, I don't quite know. Which is fine, their role is not finished.
I've learned a lot from those people. All of them.
I learned that I can't fix everyone's hurts, I am not the answer to every question, I cannot be what someone sees me as when it is not true to my heart. I have learned the unique power that comes from doing what you know is right. I have learned that sometimes it's all you can do to just let them know you love them. I have learned I can love someone in an unselfish way, I have learned to not let someone else's voice speak for my own. I have learned to guard myself. I have learned that while I am not the answer to EVERY question others have, I do need to get my own answers, and sometimes, they are within myself. I have learned to not make excuses for behavior, my own included. I have learned to be a friend. I have learned how to genuinely pray. I have learned to hurt. I have learned it is possible to be happy despite what anyone else has to say. I have learned what it feels like to float on the clouds, and that sometimes things come crashing down, but others, when it's really right, will just gently set you down on steady ground. I have learned how to share. I have learned to control my jealousy. I have learned how to open my soul to the strength I have in Christ. I have learned that sometimes things need to get ugly so you can really appreciate the beauty. I have learned that I have lost much, but gained all I ever need. I have learned to cry. I have truly learned that I am not perfect. I have learned to laugh. I have learned from the past, so that my future can be all the more brighter.
These are all things I have learned, and will continue to learn everyday, on different levels and different situations of life. But that's what life is, learning.
It made me think though of the times perhaps I have had others cheering for me, wanting what is best and being there to support me, when I didn't even bother to look up in the "bleachers" and appreciate it. How many people have been there through my life, affecting it in countless ways, and I didn't even know it.
And then there are those who I do know the affect they've had on my life. While on our walk the topic of boys came up (hey, we're girls, what can you expect?) and I started thinking of all the things I have learned from certain men that have come into my life. Even certain women. For the most part, those who have past, I know what roles they played. But for those who are still here, I don't quite know. Which is fine, their role is not finished.
I've learned a lot from those people. All of them.
I learned that I can't fix everyone's hurts, I am not the answer to every question, I cannot be what someone sees me as when it is not true to my heart. I have learned the unique power that comes from doing what you know is right. I have learned that sometimes it's all you can do to just let them know you love them. I have learned I can love someone in an unselfish way, I have learned to not let someone else's voice speak for my own. I have learned to guard myself. I have learned that while I am not the answer to EVERY question others have, I do need to get my own answers, and sometimes, they are within myself. I have learned to not make excuses for behavior, my own included. I have learned to be a friend. I have learned how to genuinely pray. I have learned to hurt. I have learned it is possible to be happy despite what anyone else has to say. I have learned what it feels like to float on the clouds, and that sometimes things come crashing down, but others, when it's really right, will just gently set you down on steady ground. I have learned how to share. I have learned to control my jealousy. I have learned how to open my soul to the strength I have in Christ. I have learned that sometimes things need to get ugly so you can really appreciate the beauty. I have learned that I have lost much, but gained all I ever need. I have learned to cry. I have truly learned that I am not perfect. I have learned to laugh. I have learned from the past, so that my future can be all the more brighter.
These are all things I have learned, and will continue to learn everyday, on different levels and different situations of life. But that's what life is, learning.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Recapping
Happy sabbath! Yesterday was a wonderful day and today has been great as well. I've been floating and it feels good. I got flowers from my daddy for Valentines. Two red roses in an arrangement. Then went to Missoula with Chelle. There is a reason they call it The Zoo. We got some Chinese food at the mall and had to remember to not look up while eating because every time we did, someone was staring. But got some pretty good buys. I love shopping for Winter clothes on clearance. Maybe because it's easier to find long sleeved and modest clothing.
We got a gift for a friend who's having a birthday party tomorrow. It's an English Tea Party. Her celebration is that is. We have to dress up. It's been forever since I've been to a birthday party for someone besides a family member... We got her a hat, a book, and.... a scarf and gloves. The last item was on clearance again, thus why we bought it. They are cute though. And the book.
The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen. Probably my all time favorite novel. It's about a girl who's father dies and she becomes acquainted with these less-than-perfect but utterly lovable characters who run a catering company. Needing a job she joins them, and learns a lot of lessons. Falling in love along the way too with a wonderful guy. Basically just amazing. What can I say, I'm a sucker for good stories with happy endings.
Anyway, after just about dying in Walmart from lack of energy, we periodically would just sit down in an isle, (or more like that's what I would do, Chelle only joined me like twice,) to rest. We headed home. I dislike buying fuel, it always makes me feel poor... But it's a needed thing, so I smile and just do it anyway.
We got home, to her house to eat dinner. Katie fixed Sweet Potatoes... ick. But there was chicken and that was good enough. Funny story, they broke down the components of the smell of chips, you know that particular odor they have. Well some ingredients to the smell: sugar, pickles, and old ironing boards. The smell of old ironing boards can you believe it? A little weird... There were other smells that made up the total smell, but those were just some that I can remember off the top of my brain.
We got a gift for a friend who's having a birthday party tomorrow. It's an English Tea Party. Her celebration is that is. We have to dress up. It's been forever since I've been to a birthday party for someone besides a family member... We got her a hat, a book, and.... a scarf and gloves. The last item was on clearance again, thus why we bought it. They are cute though. And the book.
The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen. Probably my all time favorite novel. It's about a girl who's father dies and she becomes acquainted with these less-than-perfect but utterly lovable characters who run a catering company. Needing a job she joins them, and learns a lot of lessons. Falling in love along the way too with a wonderful guy. Basically just amazing. What can I say, I'm a sucker for good stories with happy endings.
Anyway, after just about dying in Walmart from lack of energy, we periodically would just sit down in an isle, (or more like that's what I would do, Chelle only joined me like twice,) to rest. We headed home. I dislike buying fuel, it always makes me feel poor... But it's a needed thing, so I smile and just do it anyway.
We got home, to her house to eat dinner. Katie fixed Sweet Potatoes... ick. But there was chicken and that was good enough. Funny story, they broke down the components of the smell of chips, you know that particular odor they have. Well some ingredients to the smell: sugar, pickles, and old ironing boards. The smell of old ironing boards can you believe it? A little weird... There were other smells that made up the total smell, but those were just some that I can remember off the top of my brain.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
So I've been thinking again. About a lot of things. But mostly the hurt we inflict upon others, the pain of missing loved ones, and communication.
I miss my family, terribly so again. I miss being able to hold my babies and snuggle and kneel for prayer each night and give hugs and kisses to those who mean the most to me. I miss laughing and playing and quarrelling and teasing with kids that have known me for me for such a long time.
I miss my parents and grandparents and extended family. I miss the closeness that we once shared that now, seems to have slipped away...
I miss my friends. I miss my wonderful girl friends and the absolutely marvelous times we have together. I miss being able to just goof off, look like an idiot, and having three other people along who just join in or initiate the fun. I miss my guy friends, both the ones I talked to almost constantly for the past while, and those I haven't had a good conversation with in ages. I miss just having a good companion to hear stories, with no strings attached. They don't expect me to fix all their problems (or even help them with their troubles) and be there for them 100% of the time, nor do I them. And in that we were strong, yet flexible.
Hurt, the hurt we bring to others by not listening to them, and by not talking to them. I guess I'm feeling the former and inflicting the latter? Somewhere along the line, we not only stopped talking, we stopped communicating. And that hurts me, even more than the not talking.
Communication. This morning I woke up, talked with my aunt for a while, and just reveled in the feeling. I love that woman so much and often do not do the best job of showing her so.
...And that seems to be a tendancy I have for those who are dearest to me.
I've been reading more and more, there's not much other to do when you're up at midnight and the whole rest of the house is asleep. I have about six different places marked in my scriptures and will just pick them up, open to one, and start reading. Ether is really good as is Alma. Although in Ether they have a land of Moron, which I laughed about upon reading.
Thinking about dreams and ideals. Imaginings I had as a child that now, seem to either be becoming increasingly true, or terribly not. I guess that's where things land though. One way or the other. But are dreams really worth it then? What is the point of having something that doesn't happen, imagining things better than they turn out to be.
Then I think of the phrase, Stand for something or you'll fall for anything. And wonder where the optimist in me is hiding. I know she's in there somewhere and that she's still with me part of the way everyday. But the active optimist, where did she run away to?
I guess this is what I'm here for, to find her again.
I miss my family, terribly so again. I miss being able to hold my babies and snuggle and kneel for prayer each night and give hugs and kisses to those who mean the most to me. I miss laughing and playing and quarrelling and teasing with kids that have known me for me for such a long time.
I miss my parents and grandparents and extended family. I miss the closeness that we once shared that now, seems to have slipped away...
I miss my friends. I miss my wonderful girl friends and the absolutely marvelous times we have together. I miss being able to just goof off, look like an idiot, and having three other people along who just join in or initiate the fun. I miss my guy friends, both the ones I talked to almost constantly for the past while, and those I haven't had a good conversation with in ages. I miss just having a good companion to hear stories, with no strings attached. They don't expect me to fix all their problems (or even help them with their troubles) and be there for them 100% of the time, nor do I them. And in that we were strong, yet flexible.
Hurt, the hurt we bring to others by not listening to them, and by not talking to them. I guess I'm feeling the former and inflicting the latter? Somewhere along the line, we not only stopped talking, we stopped communicating. And that hurts me, even more than the not talking.
Communication. This morning I woke up, talked with my aunt for a while, and just reveled in the feeling. I love that woman so much and often do not do the best job of showing her so.
...And that seems to be a tendancy I have for those who are dearest to me.
I've been reading more and more, there's not much other to do when you're up at midnight and the whole rest of the house is asleep. I have about six different places marked in my scriptures and will just pick them up, open to one, and start reading. Ether is really good as is Alma. Although in Ether they have a land of Moron, which I laughed about upon reading.
Thinking about dreams and ideals. Imaginings I had as a child that now, seem to either be becoming increasingly true, or terribly not. I guess that's where things land though. One way or the other. But are dreams really worth it then? What is the point of having something that doesn't happen, imagining things better than they turn out to be.
Then I think of the phrase, Stand for something or you'll fall for anything. And wonder where the optimist in me is hiding. I know she's in there somewhere and that she's still with me part of the way everyday. But the active optimist, where did she run away to?
I guess this is what I'm here for, to find her again.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Every bit
So mostly, I wonder at life. And the miracle that it is. The friends you meet along the way, the ones who change you for the better, and those who change you for good. Never to return to where you were before. The people who come in, and after a time, pass out of your life, leaving only memories and lessons learned while in their company. And those friends who stay there, and continue to grow with you. Who's to say someone is one type, and another the other? Simply time? Or something deeper, something you have control of, or just luck and chance?
I have friends like that right now, that I'm not sure if they're going to stay around for a long while, or simply, after a season, leave, leaving me with the whispers of times past and laughter and heartache. Does this mean that I should guard myself already with them, knowing, as I do, how great the risk is that they will leave and never return, that somehow, the closeness we share, will have to be sacrificed because we are not walking the same paths, or even similar ones, in life.
Or do I simply take things as they come, thank God for all, every tear, every laugh, every secret, every joy, every pain, every confusion. Is it worth it to me? To risk all, every bit of my heart that belongs to them, and know that I may be left somehow, missing them.
Where does the line belong, between just right, and not. Misjudging and miscalculation could result in terrible aching when lives no longer join, but then again, is life all about cold calculations and figures. Knowing the ending from the beginning, and callously passing judgments because of fears. Does that have place in my life?
Hanging in limbo is hard, but balance and serenity is what I seek. The only thing I know now, is that I don't want to lose this, but clinging to it too hard, making and wanting it to fit perfectly into a 'box' is not going to leave anything but hurt. Closing off and shutting down potential. Mighty power and love, grace and eloquence, pain and hurt. These all stand hand in hand. And I need to learn how to respect that. And then maybe I can find peace.
I have friends like that right now, that I'm not sure if they're going to stay around for a long while, or simply, after a season, leave, leaving me with the whispers of times past and laughter and heartache. Does this mean that I should guard myself already with them, knowing, as I do, how great the risk is that they will leave and never return, that somehow, the closeness we share, will have to be sacrificed because we are not walking the same paths, or even similar ones, in life.
Or do I simply take things as they come, thank God for all, every tear, every laugh, every secret, every joy, every pain, every confusion. Is it worth it to me? To risk all, every bit of my heart that belongs to them, and know that I may be left somehow, missing them.
Where does the line belong, between just right, and not. Misjudging and miscalculation could result in terrible aching when lives no longer join, but then again, is life all about cold calculations and figures. Knowing the ending from the beginning, and callously passing judgments because of fears. Does that have place in my life?
Hanging in limbo is hard, but balance and serenity is what I seek. The only thing I know now, is that I don't want to lose this, but clinging to it too hard, making and wanting it to fit perfectly into a 'box' is not going to leave anything but hurt. Closing off and shutting down potential. Mighty power and love, grace and eloquence, pain and hurt. These all stand hand in hand. And I need to learn how to respect that. And then maybe I can find peace.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Two Weeks
So I feel really strange again. I just lost one of my best and closest friends. Again. Why does this happen? I'm not talking to someone else again. Because of things that happened, emotions that came up. Stupid emotions. Why did they have to get addressed anyway? Oh right, because in this friendship, we were always honest with each other. No matter what.
Well look where honesty got us- two weeks of silence. And trying to figure out where to place these feelings. Mostly... I just thought you know, he was capable of being impervious to what every other male I seem to come in contact with does. We had rules, boundaries. And I didn't think they'd ever get crossed. I don't know why I thought that. But I did. And now... I just don't know where anything else stands.
Really, honestly, that rule was there, so it just didn't happen. I didn't go there, didn't even consider it. And now all the sudden... I'm having to. And I don't know what to think. Things can't continue the way there were, because of what was said. But I don't know which way to go- what to do.
I don't want to lose a friend, but I can see that it was unfair of us to think that we could be so good of friends, and somehow not have deeper feelings develop...? I know we can get over it and be friends still, it's happened before- it's just the getting there... that I'm not really sure how to do.
In my mind at this point and time I don't believe we'll ever be more than friends- and that's just how it is for me. But any kind of relationship takes more than just me, more than just one person. And so... where to from here? These next two weeks are going to hurt.
Well look where honesty got us- two weeks of silence. And trying to figure out where to place these feelings. Mostly... I just thought you know, he was capable of being impervious to what every other male I seem to come in contact with does. We had rules, boundaries. And I didn't think they'd ever get crossed. I don't know why I thought that. But I did. And now... I just don't know where anything else stands.
Really, honestly, that rule was there, so it just didn't happen. I didn't go there, didn't even consider it. And now all the sudden... I'm having to. And I don't know what to think. Things can't continue the way there were, because of what was said. But I don't know which way to go- what to do.
I don't want to lose a friend, but I can see that it was unfair of us to think that we could be so good of friends, and somehow not have deeper feelings develop...? I know we can get over it and be friends still, it's happened before- it's just the getting there... that I'm not really sure how to do.
In my mind at this point and time I don't believe we'll ever be more than friends- and that's just how it is for me. But any kind of relationship takes more than just me, more than just one person. And so... where to from here? These next two weeks are going to hurt.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Ice Fishing
So today I went ice fishing with Sam, his brother Glenn, his Uncle Charlie (who happens to be my mom's cousin) and two of Sam's cousins (who happen to be one of my students older siblings) haha. Got to love the family connections :D
Anyway, we were over at Charlie's house last night until about 11:30- he has two absolutely adorable little girls and the older one has adopted me and the younger one prefers Sam but I can get her to play with me too. It's just been good, I'm not used to snuggling with little ones... Isaac doesn't particularly like to and Izzy and Riley are to the point where they are more angles and bones than fluffiness.
This morning at 4:30 is when we took off. It's just been a lot of fun, it was a lot of fun and really enjoyable, to hang out with the guys. It was me and five guys- I thought other girls were going to come, Charlie's wife and his sister, but no. I'm the oldest child and so I don't know what it feels like really to have older brothers. That's what this was, just good, time with brothers. They were goofy and gave each other crap like no other and I was included in it, not just a bystander that was left on the outside, but a sister, someone they teased and though it wasn't often, I was able to get some really good ones back at them.
Haha! So story, yesterday Sam and I went over to his grandma's house to eat ice cream and visit with her, because, while I live maybe ten minutes away from her, I never talk to her and she's a wonderful lady. We'd finished eating the ice cream and she asked if he wanted anything else. He said "Well I'd also like some singing monkeys if you've got any of those" teasing-like. To our utter surprise she said yes actually I do have some of those if you really want them. We just laughed and thought oh grand joke! But then she went into her back room and came out with these two monkeys who sang a song. She really did have singing monkeys. I don't think I've laughed so hard in a long time. To see the utter trickster and jokester get a whopping like that. It's healthy for him you know, to be around others who can cut him down to size. And I just smile and love it, because I hardly ever can even though sometimes I really wish to. I think I've laughed and smiled more these past few days.... than anytime I can remember for an awfully long time. It's been good. When we broke up, Sam said he missed making memories with me. Now that we are just friends, those old memories are replaced and added to by something even better- a deep, lasting close friendship bond.
So here's to friends!
Anyway, we were over at Charlie's house last night until about 11:30- he has two absolutely adorable little girls and the older one has adopted me and the younger one prefers Sam but I can get her to play with me too. It's just been good, I'm not used to snuggling with little ones... Isaac doesn't particularly like to and Izzy and Riley are to the point where they are more angles and bones than fluffiness.
This morning at 4:30 is when we took off. It's just been a lot of fun, it was a lot of fun and really enjoyable, to hang out with the guys. It was me and five guys- I thought other girls were going to come, Charlie's wife and his sister, but no. I'm the oldest child and so I don't know what it feels like really to have older brothers. That's what this was, just good, time with brothers. They were goofy and gave each other crap like no other and I was included in it, not just a bystander that was left on the outside, but a sister, someone they teased and though it wasn't often, I was able to get some really good ones back at them.
Haha! So story, yesterday Sam and I went over to his grandma's house to eat ice cream and visit with her, because, while I live maybe ten minutes away from her, I never talk to her and she's a wonderful lady. We'd finished eating the ice cream and she asked if he wanted anything else. He said "Well I'd also like some singing monkeys if you've got any of those" teasing-like. To our utter surprise she said yes actually I do have some of those if you really want them. We just laughed and thought oh grand joke! But then she went into her back room and came out with these two monkeys who sang a song. She really did have singing monkeys. I don't think I've laughed so hard in a long time. To see the utter trickster and jokester get a whopping like that. It's healthy for him you know, to be around others who can cut him down to size. And I just smile and love it, because I hardly ever can even though sometimes I really wish to. I think I've laughed and smiled more these past few days.... than anytime I can remember for an awfully long time. It's been good. When we broke up, Sam said he missed making memories with me. Now that we are just friends, those old memories are replaced and added to by something even better- a deep, lasting close friendship bond.
So here's to friends!
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