Summertime is soon!

I just found out that we're hiking Timp this summer! Pretty super excited for the chance :) I've never been before and hope that I can handle the trip. The only other really long trip up to the summit of a mountain that I can remember completing was about four years ago, to the top of Mt Nebo. It was hard, and I wanted to give up, but my dad talked me into finishing. Boy was it worth it. Exhausting. But worth it for sure. Nebo is easier than Timp and I'm pretty sure I was in better shape then, so we'll just have to see how this all goes down.
This is the last full day of school, the other five are all half days. Crazy to think it's all done and over with. Or almost at least.
I'll miss these kids, the constant interaction with them has lent me the opportunity to know them better and for that, I am grateful. They have taught me a lot, about themselves, myself, human nature, and teaching. I only wish they could know how good they've been for and to me.
Maybe someday they will.

Student Teacher

This morning I was talking to my boyfriend and somehow we got on to the subject of proxy teachers. I know what it was, I made some comment about how I had 14 people telling me what I am doing wrong whenever I mess up and how I've debated at different times through the school year, letting the kids be the teacher for the day. He asked why I hadn't done it and I thought "well why haven't I? Why can't I? It IS the end of the school year and honestly if we do get anything done it's nothing short of a miracle" So I did. Today I am not the teacher. Instead I get to sit in the back of the classroom grading stacks of papers that have been making guilty eyes at me for a while. While one of my girls is 'teaching'. It actually works perfectly because honestly today, I'm not feeling very well. Plus, this way I don't have to deal with a certain young man who lately thinks it's funny to throw very large, attention-gaining temper tantrums. Sure there is a lot more chaos as far as everyone else thinking that they can be the teacher too, but to be quite honest, it happens when I'm the teacher too.

I don't know...

Hahahaha! I just heard one of my students say "I don't know, you tell me" -something I have come to say commonly. This is a result of someone asking a silly question that they really DO know the answer to, but just want to hear someone else say it. And can I just say, being a teacher, particularly to some of these children, feels like being a broken record sometimes. "Shhh!" "It's silent reading time, be quiet" "what do I do now" -refering to Math problems and "how DO you spell it?" -wanting them to actually think before I help them find the answer.
Sometimes I vary between feeling like a teacher, and a mother.
On another note, I have come to thoroughly dislike the words "I don't know" because the truth is, you really do. You know. You're either just not sure how to say it yet, or too lazy to figure out how.
The first type is a lot more acceptable to me than the second, because it at least means that you are willing to try to express yourself. Maybe it's just my impatience with lack of effort.
I've been thinking a lot about whether these kids are ready for 4th grade, and it's been interesting to have been away, and come back, seeing where they are from a more distant perspective. For the most part, yes, they are. And then there are those who, I'm really not so sure about. Will they have the support they need from their home life in order to cope with 4th grade? is a real question I've been asking. Because teaching and learning doesn't just happen at school. It needs to continue, and for the most part, take place, in the home. What are we teaching our kids? Are we teaching them crude language and ill manners, or are they learning the value of kindness, the worth of one person, and the importance of being honest?
Are they learning the lessons that will strengthen them and help them to stand strong in righteousness and truth from us, or will they have to discover that themselves, from others who exemplify Christ-like love and teachings?
Just something to think about, and maybe, this is an I don't know, that will only be evident in time.

TP and a baby

Well, I'm back :D Home to Montana and in the last stretch of the school year. CRAZY. I love life so much right now, it's wonderful.
This past week and a half, so much has happened. I'm really excited to be able to move home and be with my family again.
It was neat, being with them and realizing how much teaching has changed me. I have more patience for one. My baby sister was making a mess with a roll of toilet paper, and while most of my family would have just grabbed it away from her, I didn't, and I didn't let them either. Yes, toilet paper isn't exactly the most cheap item, but it's also less important than a teaching opportunity I saw. I asked her Chauntay, please give me that roll of toilet paper. When she didn't I said "you can either give me the roll, or you're going to have to clean up your mess, those are your options". She kept pulling it off the roll and looking at it and looking at me, maybe kind of expecting me to grab it away from her? Anyway, I let her make a mess but made it clear she'd have to clean it up. After a while she crawled over and handed me the only slightly ruined roll. Then I picked her up and said, "ok, time to go clean up your mess" we got a bag out of the pantry and collected the pieces- I was mostly showing her how to do it but she got the idea before we'd finished and she held the bag all the way over to the trash can where I had her throw it away. And then I clapped for her, congratulating her for cleaning her mess. Then we went and told Mommy what we'd done.
Not bad for a 10 month old don't you think?

The sun is shining, the tank is clean, the tank is Clean!!!

So it's been decided.
I'm not going into the dental office unless they really need me or I have a whole or half day to devote to learning more. The bottom line is I've learned everything they have to teach me in the regular last hour and a half of the work day, and I need to do a lot more learning on other things that aren't done so late in the day. Like implants. And root canals. I know maybe that doesn't sound so fun or interesting to most people, but it's what I do. And love. And need to learn more about, hands-on and all that you know?
It'll be good though, to not have to feel like I need to go and rush away from school.
Maybe now I can tutor kids after school. Or something. Sleep maybe? Haha
It's a real blessing.
Yesterday was another wonderful Sunday. I love Sunday's. They are like sanity. A breath of fresh air and relaxation in a somewhat crazy world.
Can anyone guess the quote I used as the title?
Ok maybe the tank isn't exactly clean, what can you expect, I don't have fish let alone a fish tank to hold them in.
But that's just what I thought of as I'm sitting here looking out on the GREEN, lovely, and incredible world we were given. I love spring time.
I think we'll go on a walk outside tomorrow. It'll be good to get out of the classroom. I don't know what it is about this place, but it's almost like it retards learning? I know that's terrible and I've tried various things to remedy that, but they're all temporary. Because I'm really only temporary. Trying to do a lasting job.

What have you learned?

Tomorrow are PTC's! Ahhh!
It just hit last night. Yay for stresses! haha
We had a really good faculty meeting and I had the opportunity of talking with the principal about next year. Saddening to realize that this is just a one year thing, seriously I got really... sad.
All this, will no longer be my reality, just a memory with lasting effects.
We were discussing a certain young boy and he posed the question "Is he ready for 4th grade?"
...... wow. Ummm.
Honestly? I don't think so.... and that is something else that slightly really makes me sad. What have I done to really honestly prepare him for learning more? I mean. Yeah.
What do you do with that?
I hope that he has learned to be a better student, to learn more, but I seriously think he'd benefit from summer school or something. A tutor. One on one learning so he doesn't feel that he's lost in the crowd. Oh! IDEA! Maybe I can tutor him over the summer? Maybe? I don't know. Maybe even someone else
I feel it would be really beneficial though. Maybe I can talk with his parents and arrange something? Maybe? This will be cool to follow-up with.
Baby has a name now! Nolen Adan Stoker. Haha :) Out of 70 grandchildren he is the first to actually have been named directly after my grandfather Adan (pronounced Uh-don, for white people who slaughter the Spanish language lol). We have Adam's galore, but none with his exact name. Until now. Kind of cool to think about.
Been walking a lot lately, it's wonderful. I love the ability God has given us to DO things. To be able to walk, dance, and exercise. To grow. To change. Pretty incredible huh?

Miracle Babies

Oh yay! My sisters are less than an hour away! Maybe they bring springtime with them :) haha
Even if they don't I'm super excited to see them :D
Really happy, it's amazing how happy you can get when you're not being stressed out :D
Young Author's Tea came and went this morning. It's done. Over with. And I survived with minimal damage. Haha just kidding! No harm done except maybe the effect of stress on my body, seriously, it's stressing me out just remembering the stress. So on to different topics.
I'm going on the Youth Retreat up here. Haha. At least, that's the plan. It's funny, on the registration slip it said "Youth name and signature" and "Parent name and signature" I filled out the first and then was like wait, what? How am I supposed to do the other one? It's not like I have a parent here that can sign this for me. So my grandma did instead.
I got the application for my passport card and filled it out, all that needs to happen is tomorrow during lunch I will go into the post office, get my picture taken, and turn it in. Along with two forms of ID and such, which I was waiting to arrive in the mail. Got to love the fact that I am not where I live. Or something like that. I wonder and hope that they won't think it's weird that I'm applying for a passport in a state different from the one of residency....
Baby is super cute, it's amazing how much they can change just even from birth to 12 hours later, and then 24 hours later, and then even a few days later. I've missed the sound of a baby's cry. He's adorable.
I finally got a chance last night right before bed to spend some good time with Lisa and the baby. He was a miracle you know. Had a true knot in his cord. It's a good thing the labor was as short as it was. She got woken up by a contraction around 2:30, and had him at 6:30 am.
Reminded me of my mom's miracle children. Nathaniel is undeniably a miracle. My mom was teaching and our family was building a house. The stress from those two facts alone should have dictated a seriously stressed and problem-prone baby. My mom was nailing, painting, always staying up really late at nights, teaching the next day, and not eating exactly healthily enough for a properly nutritioned baby.
He was born without the assistance of a real midwife (the assistant arrived just in time to say "Push!") or the company of my father (who was on the top of a mountain backpacking with the Scouts, he arrived about an hour after the baby came. *note, I stand corrected, he said he got there 20 minutes after the birth and I guess he'd know haha*)
We were in my grandma's car sitting outside when he was born, she'd come over to pick us up and instead ended up staying. That was the first time I ever knew how grouchy my mom could be while in true labor. Because she hadn't called anyone until about two and a half hours before the baby came.
He had the truest, tightest knot anyone had seen before, and my mother was terrified he'd have adverse affects from it. Her brother, a doctor, told her to use Glen Doman's methods for teaching babies to counteract the potential damage. One of Glen's methods involve placing the baby, tummy-down on a "crawl track." a padded board with sides four inches high and covered with some sort of vinyl leather stuff. They'd sleep there, stay there, and, eventually learn to crawl on it.
Well Nathaniel HATED it, as much as a baby can hate anything. He'd bawl everytime we placed him on his tummy, let alone in the crawl track. And wouldn't stop crying until he either fell asleep, or was picked up again and held. My mom went to her brother saying "Danny, he hates it" and my uncle said "Too bad. That's what needs to happen. You decide. Do you want him to cry everytime he is in it, or do you want him to have brain damage? It's up to you."
The crawl track stayed.
And he never had any kind of slowness or injury. In fact, he is one of the brightest, most intelligent children we have (course all of our kids are smart :D ) learning so quickly so many things that sometimes, we sort of wished he didn't pick up on so fast- though not really. Every time he learns something new, we give thanks to God, and I am reminded again how much our Heavenly Father loves and blesses us with miracles everyday.

It's a Boy!

Oh yay! I love babies :D
Lisa had a gorgeous little boy this morning. Seven lbs 12 oz and 22 inches long. Super adorable. He fits right in with the family :)
It's a short day today and my sister's will be here tomorrow, life is moving right along.
The snow persists, it dumped some more on us last night again.
Tomorrow is Young Author's Tea (ahhhh!) and so it goes. The kids are super excited for that too. It's cute :)
I'm a little bit frustrated with one of my girls. The one that cheats. She was 'sick' yesterday and her mom came to get her homework. Yeah well, she comes back this morning, and hadn't done ANY of it. Grrr. I should be more tolerant of her. That's all there is to it.
The rest of my kids are great, honestly I think I probably got the best possible class for me. They've taught and are teaching me so much.
I've got this minor infection going on in my left extraction site for my wisdom teeth. Apparently no one informed it that it's supposed to be completely healed by now. It's been at least a month and a half. Usually doesn't give me trouble, but right about the time I think I'm all good, it acts up again.
Well, it's official, all the boys can go bowling. Now to just pick a date. haha. Good luck with that one! I'm thinking the 28th. But knowing how things USUALLY go, that might not end up working. They are all so extremely excited though. It's adorable.
I'm happy today, and life is good. Not perfect for sure, and there's still areas that are not completely good, but I choose to be happy and grateful for what I do have. Gratitude can go a long way if it's genuine.

Haha so guess what! Super excited again, I am going to be a bridesmaid, actually the maid of honor, for a best friends reception! Haha. Just makes me happy to think of, sharing in that joy. Haha. *Girly moment* Lol
I checked the calendar, and it fits perfectly into when we are off work, it's kind of crazy because really, I want to finish my interning here in Montana, but I have stuff in Utah I need to get done too, and if I get the job working on fires (as a cook not as a firefighter lol) then that means my whole summer schedule is screwed up. Pretty exciting!
I am a little concerned about some of my kids..... the student ones that is. I've got one boy who is so QUIET. Like, I didn't know it was possible for someone his age to BE so quiet. And he's only really quiet around me... or other teachers. I see him chatting it up with his friends when grown-ups aren't around, but as soon as he knows you're there, he's as quiet as a mouse. And just as removed. I don't think I would be as concerned if he was just quiet, but add to that the fact that when I ask him if he wants to do something, anything, he 'doesn't have' an opinion. He's so distant. I have no idea what he's going through or how to even help him really, just keep praying on that one.
OH! And I've got this one girl who CHEATS like no other but is also very sensitive about confrontations and is easily made to feel like an idiot. Talk about needing gentle handling? Except that I think part of the reason she's gotten so bad at cheating is because her parents are so flopsy with her.... I don't know, I shouldn't judge. It's just hard to try and help these kids be normal at school when they aren't treated normally at home. Because the second they walk out my door, they go back to regular life where they are overlooked, lost in the crowd, and ignored. NOT that I'm saying I'm so good and NEVER do that to any of them. Really, some of the kids have excellent parents who care and love them and SHOW that their kids are loved, those are the ones I don't worry about. They are great strengths too, to our class.
It's just the ones I don't know what they are thinking, why they think it's ok to start on a timed test before I say go, to look on someone else's paper, stare off into space for however long, or chatter to their neighbor, that I don't quite know what to do with. Each story and child is different, so one general answer doesn't really cut it. Except to love them. And even that is too vague, communicating the love is different for each child. I don't quite know.
It's kind of funny, because I'm looking for answers to questions I have about my future, but they aren't coming. And while sometimes I wonder why, I know, it's because I need to learn how to help these kids right here and now, and not worry about what the future has in store, that'll be taken care of when it happens. So just let it be.

Answer Key Here Please?

So I got two letters yesterday. From the same person. My grandma thought it peculiar and remarked "Funny you getting two letters on the same day from just a friend"
I laughed and explained. The first letter was him freaking out at me, the other, an apology for the previous. So no big deal.
It was interesting, because that used to be me. I used to freak out all the time about our relationship. Now, not so much. I don't know where it's going, but just that honestly, I will be happy and content however it ends up. Patience is something I have had to learn here.
These freak out moments though, teach us a lot. First of all, how we really feel when fears are in full force. And then just what it is that we truly need answered and how it would be if we could have it all the way we want it right now. Not that it's good to have all the answers right when we demand them. But it is good to realize what answers we require. Helps us learn.
Someday all those answers are going to come, but it will be a little bit at a time. Just about the time we need them.
If you, for example, tried to overcrowd a third grade students brain with everything he needs to know for seventh grade, the poor kid would totally not understand basic, fundamental principles he needs right now, to help him with his homework that night. More questions would only be generated and the kid would get disheartened with what he has right in front of him.
Sorry for the teaching analogy, but it's my life.
Cheating or seeing the answers before even figuring out the questions or learning the concept, doesn't help you learn, and makes it so you are now set up for more pitfalls and flunking. Just how it works.

Just like that

IT'S SNOWING! Sort of, kind of. At least, snowflakes are floating around in the air, not so sure any of them are actually hitting the ground, but they're there.
I got flowers! Pretty jonquils. Or, for those who don't know what a jonquil is, daffodils. It's National Dental Assistant week this week I guess. And the dentist I work with got all of the girls flowers. Potted, so we can plant them if we want to. They are so lovely, all yellow and teeny and happy. Sitting on my windowsill, every time I see them they make me smile.
No work today, OSHA training in the office and I just finished my certification not even a year ago, plus it costs more for each person, so I get the day off.
I've figured out that I grind my teeth more on one side of my mouth than I do on the other. Funky, but true. We had someone come in for a consult on veneers and that's what made me think of my teeth. I've had people comment on how white and straight they look, but in reality, they do need work. I hope I can get braces soon before too much preventable damage happens. Although I am really blessed and grateful to have the good teeth that I do.
I am so totally in the mood to go horseback riding right now, all the sudden. Random fact.
I'm sort of really in a random mood, so this gets to catch most of it.
Haha, I just got an email from a girl friend. She is one of my friends I've grown up with, there is a group of 'us four' and we do really good at taking over the world, looking gorgeous, being random, fighting amongst ourselves, and yet are ready to defend each other to the end no matter what. It's awesome. Anyway. She is going to be attending George Wythe college in Southern Utah this next fall, at least that's the plan. She was talking about this time next year, how she'll hopefully be in school. Another one of 'the four' is getting married in June, SUPER excited for that and for her :D She might be expecting this time next year.... Crazy to think about but really cute at the same time, I get to be an 'aunt'!
But as for me and my 'twin' (we were born on the same day, same year. NOT that that makes us even slightly alike, I'm chocolate, she's vanilla. And that's just skin coloring. Haha) the other two of the group, we don't know what we'll be doing this time next year. Which, is actually totally good with me. For me I know that somewhere along the way I'll figure out. Maybe just a few months before, that's how I roll I suppose. This Montana move went like that. A few months before graduation, my aunt said I should move up with her, I said "sure! I would love that!" Then halfway through the summer another aunt, called and said they were looking for teachers here at the school, and again I said "sure! Sounds like fun!" and I did and now here I am. Taadaa!

Pray that it's raining on Sunday.... or Tuesday

So yes. It's raining. And I just quoted a Country song. Get over it. It's a good song too, one that I like a lot. We need rain. We haven't had enough of a winter to really accumulate the snow pack needed to keep us from having fires all summer long. Which is slightly scary and makes all of us really grateful for the moisture. Or at least me.
Oh my goodness! Two weeks to the end of third quarter can you believe it?!? I was talking to my kids today about that, and I don't know that many of them really realized we were so close to being done. It's pretty awing to know we are so close to the end. The end of this school year. And oh wow has so much happened during that time. I'm going to say goodbye to this kids and probably never be so close to them again. A little bit frightening to think on. They are my sunshine for dreary days. Admittedly great sources of frustration. But also of learning. I wouldn't trade them for anything. This year has taught me so much, probably more than I ever learned while attending school as a student. No, they are just different learnings. For different times.
We are working on writing stories right now, for Young Author's Tea. Something I didn't know a thing about but is loved and looked forward to with great anticipation here. It's interesting. To watch their creative process unfold. I look at one of my students and how he so thoroughly believes the only way to get something right is to completely start all over again, which, understandably frustrates him. But he doesn't get that really, we start from where we are, and go from there. Don't go back to the beginning, don't undo everything that has been done. Just make a new beginning starting right there. Work towards the finish line. At least it was a little bit closer when we fell this time than it was when we first set out. That counts for something. He's learning, slowly, and so am I.

Raining Too Many Thoughts

It's raining. I love rain. We went on a walk today. And talked a little bit about fractions. It was mostly that I just needed to get out of the classroom and move. Some of my boys thought it would be funny to run off. I ignored them for a while, after asking them to join us, once. Mostly it's just that they want attention. Anyway, we finished up with the walk and I pulled those boys aside and had a chat with them. I don't know what it is about them thinking they can just DO that sort of stuff. It really sort of made me cranky and, hurt my feelings to be honest. We talked about some things and I hope they understand that kind of behavior is not acceptable and never was.
I wrote a paper yesterday and this morning. Man are my writing skills out of practice. I've been doing short works, mostly of poetry and this, whatever I'm thinking about at the current moment. Not really something for an assignment or specific deadline. It turned out alright but I know I've certainly done better.
I had someone ask today if I was dating a guy they'd seen me walking with recently. Which made me sad. For a couple of reasons. One, that I couldn't just honestly answer the question with a no. It had to be a "well... things are really complicated so yes and no, more no than yes though" How's that for a completely crappy answer?
Another reason it made me sad is that while things are not supposed to be there between us, I guess I'm still doing things that make it look like we really aren't apart. It doesn't help that most people heard about 'us' being together after we'd already broken up. I don't know. It just sucks. I still have had my students refer to him as my boyfriend, and I don't bother correcting them. Don't ask me why. Maybe just because it's easier that way. But then again, it's not right.
I don't know, I'm just really, I've been thinking about it a lot. I should stop. It's not helping my mood and really just makes my brain hurt. I don't understand. I relate it sort of like I've hit up against this wall. And I keep pacing up and down it, not finding the way to the answer on the other side. I know it's there, whatever the answer is, but I'm not getting there.
Just saddening and frustrating a little bit you know?

Stories and Notes

I'm sitting here. Listening to children bicker. With me, with each other, with the instructions in a book. They're doing a cursive paper. But they're so caught up in the technicalities of it all (15 minutes, a minute on each line, grade your own paper, turn it into the bin, who's done first, who's staying with the class, where are we supposed to be? etc etc) that I seriously doubt they even remember it's Cursive they're supposed to be doing. Tattling on their neighbor rather than sticking with what's in front of them. It's so much easier, to mind someone else's business. But it's the ones who are silent and just focus on what they're doing, who do much better. Not racing to finish 'on time' they manage to do a nice job, in the time allotted.
Tonight is our sleepover with the girls. Finally, these poor kids have been waiting long enough. One of the mother's was kind enough to volunteer her home and so we will be partying it up in the basement. As exciting as a parent and teacher supervised 3rd grade girl's party can be. haha :)
It's the weekend, but I've been feeling so out of it this week. I woke up this morning at 4:30, coughed, and thought "Crap!" Just like that. Because coughing is what every one else around me has been doing. Not me. But then again, not anymore.
Art went well today. We took pictures of people I'd cut out and then drew backgrounds and such to go along with them. Some are typical looking, a girl in a ballerina suit dancing in a studio, a baby stepping forward walking from one person to the next, a baby holding a rubber ducky in the bathtub. But others were a little more imaginative.
A girl with her hand over her heart -looking like she is going to cough soon, which is what she was doing in the real picture- turns into a salute to the American flag. That same picture of a baby with a rubber duck (I had two of them) is no longer in a bathtub, but near a pond, in the snow, watching other real ducks on the water. A boy throwing a temper tantrum becomes a boy looking out the window through some binoculars. And so it goes. I think we shall do this exercise again. It helped the kids be a little creative, and I personally want to see what else they can come up with. There is one boy in particular who always seems to, defy logic, if you will. And he did really well with this exercise.
Just goes to show, If they aren't learning the way you are teaching, change what or how you are teaching, rather than changing the way they learn.
This principle was again proved today. When, going through all the kids' stories with them, I learned how to reach one of my students who does not take criticism of ANY kind, 'constructive' or not, very well. If you say something is wrong, even a little imperfect, he automatically deflates. Doesn't matter if you are trying to help him or not, if it sounds the least like what he just did was even slightly not 'good enough', he hangs his head and becomes dejected and sad looking. He's already given up.
After telling him a few observations I'd had about his story I told him to maybe remember some of them for the next time he rewrote it. He then informed me that he couldn't remember, that he wouldn't. We didn't have time to have him sit down right then and apply anything that I'd suggested. Besides the fact that he was not in a good mood to do such a thing. I told him to write notes about it to help him remember, to which he replied he didn't know how to write notes. I said, you just think things, and write them down. This is how the conversation proceeded:
"C'mon, think of something that you need to change in this story"
"ALL of it!" *saddened look*
"No, I just want you to pick ONE thing, that should change, just one thing."
"Nothing. I can't think of anything"
"Don't give me that answer. Come on, think of something"
-he sat there and I thought for a moment before rephrasing my request.
"[the students name], you think of one thing YOU know you could change, that you can see needs to change"
-he thought for a second. "Well I could tell why they are getting into a fight"
I write down on a paper 'getting in a fight' and, after asking his permission, add one word after it. Why?
"What else can you think of that might need to be added?"
"Well the Pokemon are having a battle, I could tell what ones are in the battle"
'Pokemon having a battle' -and again, after asking his permission to add something, I write 'which ones?'
"Ok, think of one more thing that you can change this next time you write this story."
"I could tell at the end of the sentence what Pokemon does what so that they know"
"What about making sure their names are spelled right? Could you do that? Do you have a book or something that you could get their names from?"
(here comes the sad look again) "No I don't"
"Do you have some friends you could borrow a book from?"
"I don't know that I can go over to their house before tomorrow" (getting sadder)
"Hey silly, you don't need to have the story done by tomorrow. In fact, lets wait til a little bit later and just work with what we've got now"
I write on the paper 'Pokemon at the end'. -This doesn't really make sense to me, but then I am learning that truthfully, it doesn't always need to. It's his story, his notes. As long as he understands, the notes are accomplishing what they are meant to do.
"Ok, so now next time you are writing this, these will be here to help you remember, go ahead and put the story in the bin and let's move on to Science" He happily trots off to put it away and get out his book.
And just like that, we are done. Probably made more progress in that little exchange than has been made in all the week and a half we've already been writing. And he actually did alright with it. No whining, no head banging, no sulky looks or pouty face as a result.
This child also asked me a few days ago if I'd be teaching next year. I told him that truthfully, I would not. And since then- he's been getting better. He's always been getting better. But maybe realizing that I am not always going to be here, for him, makes it so he appreciates the time that I am. It's been good.

Chickens for Company

I didn't sleep very well last night. Tragedy of getting ill I suppose. And now that I know why, it's ok, not remedied, but manageable. At least that's what you'd think right?
Confession. I can't help but get suspicious when guys send me messages on Facebook anymore. Guys I don't know all that well. It's a terrible tendency and I should stop being so skeptical. I need to work on that.
Alano has continued to get better, Jeff won't be quiet though. I love him for it, but 'the bigger they are the harder they fall' right? Someday his mouth is going to get him into some serious trouble. It's not just that he talks, he is so adamant about his position even when it's wrong, but as soon as he's proved wrong, he ignores the fact and pretends like he was saying what was right all along. Haha. We'll keep working on that.
My mom got a chicken. And a rooster. For free apparently. Something about the lady's neighbors not liking that she had poultry. Reminds me of my aunt who was lonely one time while her husband was on a trip and let her chickens inside the house. To keep her company. Her sister thought that was insane, but I can totally understand it. Not that I particularly have a super soft spot for chickens, just that there are times when the seemingly oddest things can make the world all better again and not so lonesome.
Like a giant mustard colored jacket. Or roses randomly showing up when you totally didn't expect them. Or a post-it note written in a child's handwriting. Or an index card telling you to smile. Or the smell of wood smoke mixed with herbs. Or the taste of a mango. Or the feel of a horse beneath you.
Nothing so big or mind blowing. In fact, even a little foolish maybe. But all of the sudden, life is better.
I guess I'm just waiting for that moment, when certain of parts of my life are just all better. They'll get there eventually right? For the most part, they are. But then there's always those ones that just are like feeling lonely while someone's gone on a trip. You know they'll be back soon, that's not what worries you. It doesn't change the fact that you feel lonely. And just a little lost. So you reach out for something. Like chickens.

Light up the world

The power went out yesterday. And one of my students threw a huge temper tantrum right at the end of school, I wouldn't let him leave until he'd done what I asked. Which was answer a Science question. Not all that big of a deal right? Except that for him, it was. He claims he is the only one in the class who doesn't know anything. I laughed, secretly, not out loud. Because the worst thing to do to a dramatic someone such as he is, is laugh at them. He's got such a "poor me" complex. Although, I've also got others who'll pull that act, he's just the most consistent with it. I told him that he needs to pay attention while we're reading, and since he couldn't remember anything (his words not mine) about what we'd read, I guess we'd have to go over and read it again. Not in class. So we sat down and read, he read one sentence, I the next, then him again, on and one. Throughout the course of the reading he answered over seven questions. When I pointed that out to him the look on his face was a "oh shoot, I'm wrong" look.
Then today, we read after school again. But he didn't want to admit to any of the other kids, that he needs extra help. Why do we do that? Not want to really show that we need support and love.
Because in doing so we cheat ourselves. We cheat ourselves of really understanding people, and finding that others are so very much like us. We're so caught up in trying to be perfect that we fail to realize perfection is a journey rather than a destination. It's interesting, to be able to watch these kids and see human tendencies and faults and weaknesses already have taken root in such precious souls.

The whole kitn'caboodle (however you spell it)

So it's a gray cloudy day. Which is ok with me, I have decided to be happy. And working with kids always helps me be that. I just have to find the parts to be joyous about. Like the fact that I can be imperfect, and they still love me. I can screw up, and all of the sudden this look shows up in their faces like "Oh wow, wait, she's just like us..." Instead of an untouchable Teacher. Speaking of touch, there is this one girl, I love her, it's just that when she touches me... I have to steel myself for it. I think what it is is the fact that for her, touch is FOR her. Not giving mutually or healing, just taking. It's like I'm object. Hmmm.
And I smile at the fact that it doesn't matter how mad a certain boy gets at whatever we've been doing, he'll come up to me right after that and give me a hug. It pulls his, and honestly my own focuses back to the fact that really, it doesn't matter. Life goes on, and we keep learning. The angers and frustrations have their place, but their place is not everywhere.
Let's see... it's Wednesday. Katy comes home today!!!!!!!!!! For some reason I thought that she would be home yesterday, but I was reminded by my phone that it is in fact, today and wasn't yesterday. I wish I could be there to see the joy she brings back with her. My grandma needs more joy, and children it seems doesn't matter how old they are, but they always bring joy.
The Girl's class lesson last night was on Prayer. How much I needed that lesson, also other thing that I learned, yet again, how much God really does know what we need and the fact that he'll place us in situations or give us experiences to help us see and confirm what we already know, in some small part of ourselves.
We need to make Valentine's boxes, I think tomorrow will be a good plan. It was Johnny's birthday on Monday, so Friday is going to rather full of playing. And then no school on Monday again, that's going to be nice. I'm content. And happy.
"Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is older he shall not depart from it"
This scripture brings a few thoughts to mind. First how grateful I am to have the wonderful parents I have, secondly how incredible it is that I have the chance to help in the training of my students, and thridly, what an awesome responsibility it will be to be a parent someday.
And then the memory of Nathaniel, at like age five, reciting that because it was his memory verse for the week. Such a cute little boy. Also, that time he was praying for those who have chicken pox and duck pox. Priceless moment :)

Early morning

Oh blargh. So guess what. Well... as much as I love Chelle and how wonderful of a friend she is, I can't help but wish I was going to Utah for Valentines instead... Terrible I know right? Valentines Day is way overrated as it is. Doesn't change the fact that I wish I could go to the dance and see sappy couples fawning all over each other, see my lovestruck friends and laugh at their ridiculousness, simply because I was there once. Not now, but once upon a time.
No, instead, I am going to... go to the dance up here probably, Friday the 13th just doesn't help an already struggling cause. The dances up here... are terrible underattended. Oh well?
We had to move the girl's sleepover because of it though. Lol, those poor children. I've probably moved it four or five times now, and I still have no clue when we're going to be able to do the guy's thing. BUT! I have money now which means I can get the treats for the kids. That I've needed to buy for like three weeks now. Seriously, so much of everything goes into teaching. Money, heart, love, pain, sweat, tears, frustration and joy.
Anyway, then on Saturday Chelle and I are going to Missoula to wander around the mall, eat at Perkins, and just be. Then home again to watch North and South, which, says Chelle "has the best kiss ever" This little part of me seriously wonders why in the world I am going to spend Valentines night watching someone else make out and be all lovey-dovey. Talk about pathetic. lol, but such is life.
I used to love Valentines Day. My family celebrates it wonderfully. Late the night before my parents set our places on the table, with valentines, roses, and candy and then usually mom makes heart shaped pancakes and we're just reminded how much they love us.
Now this year... I get to be here. Instead of there. And be reminded how thoroughly I do not have a 'someone', let alone my siblings and parents. But I did write them notes that my grandma will deliver before she leaves to Mexico.
Oh, that's another thing. We are getting the leech lines redone for the septic system, and that means water is basically out of the question for the rest of the week. Lis was complaining all loud about it, James and Grandma are deserting, one to work and the other to vacation. I tried to remind her that I'd still be here, but she came up with the "but you'll be teaching" excuse. Which isn't really an excuse, it's true. I'm teaching, and interning. Not home all day like she is. And Chelle offered to let me use her shower. So I'm set. Although truthfully I'd love to be home all day and 'suffer' with Lisa. It'd be fun.

2nd time around

Parent Teacher Conferences came around again. And I survived them. Again. Sheesh, the stress leading up to it leaves a rather anti-climatic ending when I don't really get to see very many of the parents... and it really couldn't matter less what the state of my classroom is because it's not like they care. Or maybe they do? For all of thirty seconds.
I have discovered and officially decided though, that if I ever just need a source of stress from an adult, all I need to do is go talk to the mother of one of my boys. She came up to me and told me she was thinking to pull her son out of Title 1, a special class for those who need extra help. Because "it might help his social life" I just about flipped! There is NO way it would more help his social standing than it would hurt his learning, no way to justify that sort of action. He's jumped 23% in his reading since the beginning of the school year, to now. I need the other teacher he goes to, to help him see, and work with him individually- so that he can grow. Besides the fact that this child, recently had to get glasses, and just guess the kind of glasses she got her son? These are like huge, thick-rimmed black glasses that just scream NERD! Sadly, but true. He 'broke' his glasses a few weeks ago... he knows they don't help his in his social life. And here she is, thinking that compromising his learning, is going to help his social life. Well it's not.
She kept saying that she's taught before, and seen kids so awkward like her son, grow up and become competent and wonderful adults. I don't know who she's specifically referring to, but I think something she's missing is the fact that in these children's lives somewhere there was someone, who finally said "You know what? I'm NOT giving up on you, and you are going to prove to the rest of the world, and yourself, that you are worth believing in. You are going to DO this" she just expects it to magically happen without help. And that pains me.

Recommitting

So today was a thoroughly tiring day, and it's not even over yet. But that's life. I'm happy. Right now. Earlier I could have shot something. And before that strangled something else. I don't know what it is, why it is, that this student of mine always has such a struggle. Ok, that's a lie, I do know why, I just feel sometimes that we are making absolutely no progress. That every inch I manage to claim, on a day to day basis, can be swept away in a matter of seconds- simply because I said the wrong thing, or reacted incorrectly, not the way he needed me to. Every second is a prayer to just stay sane. This is the life of a teacher, one who is dedicated. And I have to say, not proudly in the least, that I have not been a dedicated one lately. But the school year is now half over, and I am recommitting myself to being better. Giving these kids the teacher they deserve instead of just one who's there, but not really there.
It's well worth it, but hard, just like every other worthwhile thing in life. And I love it. I love it so much sometimes that I hate it. haha. Just because if I loved it any less, it'd be easier to give up. But I don't. I'm going to do this :D