Time Changes Things.....

Today is another one of those days where I'm just home alone & enjoying it. I haven't been feeling well the past two days & it's finally let up. I should be running errands, but mostly I'm just loving the fact that I'm doing better & can move around the house whenever I want, I'll venture out to the world in a little bit :)
Pandora is on right now. I love music :) So much. Lots of songs remind me of different people & places I've been in my life, and at the least, help me remember to be grateful I'm always progressing & thank God for saving me from a couple of really big mistakes.
On a different but somewhat similar note, we went to a mystery dinner show- it was enjoyable- more for the company than the food or the acting.... But while there we ran into one of my brother-in-laws who's a few years younger than I and still going through the whole dating-game thing. Just some of the things he said sparked memories of that time, and how grateful I am for that period of my life, but also the gratitude for not having to be there anymore.
So today I want to say I'm grateful for progress & change. The opportunities that open up when those you had your mind set on don't go through.
My grandma brought out a really good point a few weeks ago that I want to share with you now. She was typing up a part of her story, she is currently dealing with some very serious health issues & a friend is doing a research project on that illness & wanted her input. Grandma has often struggled with her diagnosis through the illness' various stages, as does anyone with a chronic condition & somedays it's all she can do to not break down under the stresses & worries. Anyway, as she was typing she realized that if you take the word
CHALLENGE
take away two L's and an E, you get
CHANGE
which, we all know is a regular normal part of life, which we can deal with. Challenges are simply change with a little extra :)
I thought it was a good way to look at things that are hard to deal with.
And on that note, I hope you all the best with each of your personal changes :)

The Provo Tab

Oh the lovely, historic, Provo Tabernacle

This lovely old building now looks like this:

And I can't even tell you how sad that makes me.

This building is where I was privileged to perform in a wonderful Thanksgiving program & where later I was asked out on a date by my crush at the time. It was a storybook evening & I truly felt like a princess (later things didn't pan out but that didn't matter at the time, nor does it now.)

Not to mention all the times passing this building would make me think of all the wonderful people who have been able to see this and hold it as a part of what Provo was & is today.

Yes I know I don't have nearly the history & amount of memories with this particular structure that some of my friends have, but I have my own memories. Memories that every time I'd pass this building would come back & make me smile.

Now that's literally gone in an evening. The roof collapsed on the building & they are going to do an evaluation to see if the building needs to be torn down because it might no longer be structurally sound.
And that sickens me.

It's January

Nothing quite reminds you of that more than the smog currently inhabiting the valley floor right? I was driving to my sister-in-law's baby shower last night and it was amazing the difference between Salt Lake and Utah counties. This morning there wasn't much of one, but still, I know what I saw, and it WAS clear in Utah county last night. Makes me grateful I don't live in this yucky air all the time. My grandma's house (where we are staying currently while Sam has work up here) is smack dab in the middle of the city, but excepting the fog you couldn't really tell, here on this sleepy dead end road of a street. I've always loved her house. Just pick it up and move it into the country where it truly belongs (and where it was, a mere 40 years ago) and I would be content to spend the rest of my life is such a house as this.
The wisdom and love from the amazing people who have made this house a home has crept into every nook and cranny of this lovely rambler and it's home to many a pleasant memory for me. It's where I learned the art of cookie making, the joy of the sound of a piano, where I got my first ballet lessons, cake decorating lessons, and so many more lessons on the nuances of life, both adolescent and adult. This is the home that has hosted so many Easter egg hunts, 4th of July celebrations, Christmases and Thanksgivings, and so many more gatherings, even once holding our family as we grieved the passing of a beloved uncle, son, brother, and friend. Yet there was laughter there too, as we recalled so many memories now engraved in our hearts.
This is a place I run for solace, when the world has gone crazy and I'm unsure of myself and the path I should take. For here I regain my bearings and recommit to myself and who I am becoming.
Isn't that what January is all about? Recommiting, rededicating, and recentering.

Any Reason Why?

TGIF, thank GOODNESS it's Friday!
Seriously, the thought that this is our last full Friday makes me super happy. At this point I'm not even sad. Although I was talking to Chelle and I'm almost sure I'll roll out of bed at six-thirty two weeks from today, and feel like I've got to be doing something school related.
Instead, I will be heading off to interning all day long. That will be an adventure :D
Last night I babysat for James and Lisa, they went on a date. Good for them. The only part that was even slightly difficult, was getting them to bed. It's always funny to me, kids who need nightlights, mostly just because it needs to be absolutely dark for me to be able to sleep usually. The exception being when I'm exhausted.
This wasn't always the case, but you see, my sister and I shared a room when we were younger (and have almost all our lives) and we'd spend much of the night hours chatting away about everything. The only way to get us to shut up was to shut the door leading to an open, lit hallway. So we grew accustomed to darkness. Also, my dad has always been one to research things, or notice little random facts, and I guess some study said it's taxing on the eyes to have light while sleeping because they will seek the light. Over time it's contributed to ruined eyesight.
Or something along those lines. Either way, no more nightlights.
That's the same thing with bananas, we aren't really allowed to eat them after noon, one of his coworkers (from India I believe?) maintained that they are poisonous after the morning hours. Speaking of which, I forgot to eat my banana this morning.... I think I should go do that. J/k Dad ;)

Grandma Rhoda

Today is my grandma's birthday. She's a wonderful grandma. I used to think she was one of those people who was perpetually young, could never grow old, and was as close to an angel as you'd ever get. Life hasn't been easy, but she's borne every trial with a queen's grace and strength. Come to find out, after Parkinson's, divorce from her longtime spouse and love, the death of her youngest son, and various trials life has attempted to beat her down with, I was pretty much right on the mark when it came to who she is.
Sure, life has taken it's toll and she does have a hard time talking correctly sometimes- the affect of Parkinson's. But can I just say I will always and forever love being held by her. I'm her baby girl. She is the one person who can cuddle me just perfectly. Since Parkinson's has set in it is hard for her hands to stay still, but I love it, I love holding them. I love watching them, through the years, making bread, cookies, doing hair, folding laundry, canning, baking, sweeping, clapping. A perfect expression of her.
So many memories of this wonderful woman. She was the one who introduced me to the wonders of dryers. And dancing. And tree houses. And peaches, apricots, and sour pie cherries. "Snowball" bushes, lilacs, and wild roses. Bleeding hearts- the flower, although she has, though the years, been a refuge for many scraped up, bleeding, and broken hearts. Climbing ivy, and those little purple flowers that grow on some sort of ground cover. Her yard has always been a wonderful place. Swings, trampoline, basketball court, volleyball net, apple trees, croquet. Family get togethers, hot dog and marshmallow roasts. Yes. Those are the things that really matter. You see, here it was we learned what love is, what family means.
Somewhere between the piano lessons and cookie making lessons, decorating gingerbread houses, cleaning out the shed and vacuuming the front room floor, she was able to portray to us the value of simply taking the time to slow down and smell the flowers. Appreciate the simple, little things of life. For that's what really matters.
I hope she knows how much she affects all who know her for the better. Her life has been one of service to others, her family, children, grandchildren, friends, complete strangers that soon became friends, neighbors, and so many more.
I'm grateful to be able to claim her for my grandmother and wonderful friend and want to take this time to yet again, express my love and appreciation for her. I love you grandma :)

Miracle Babies

Oh yay! My sisters are less than an hour away! Maybe they bring springtime with them :) haha
Even if they don't I'm super excited to see them :D
Really happy, it's amazing how happy you can get when you're not being stressed out :D
Young Author's Tea came and went this morning. It's done. Over with. And I survived with minimal damage. Haha just kidding! No harm done except maybe the effect of stress on my body, seriously, it's stressing me out just remembering the stress. So on to different topics.
I'm going on the Youth Retreat up here. Haha. At least, that's the plan. It's funny, on the registration slip it said "Youth name and signature" and "Parent name and signature" I filled out the first and then was like wait, what? How am I supposed to do the other one? It's not like I have a parent here that can sign this for me. So my grandma did instead.
I got the application for my passport card and filled it out, all that needs to happen is tomorrow during lunch I will go into the post office, get my picture taken, and turn it in. Along with two forms of ID and such, which I was waiting to arrive in the mail. Got to love the fact that I am not where I live. Or something like that. I wonder and hope that they won't think it's weird that I'm applying for a passport in a state different from the one of residency....
Baby is super cute, it's amazing how much they can change just even from birth to 12 hours later, and then 24 hours later, and then even a few days later. I've missed the sound of a baby's cry. He's adorable.
I finally got a chance last night right before bed to spend some good time with Lisa and the baby. He was a miracle you know. Had a true knot in his cord. It's a good thing the labor was as short as it was. She got woken up by a contraction around 2:30, and had him at 6:30 am.
Reminded me of my mom's miracle children. Nathaniel is undeniably a miracle. My mom was teaching and our family was building a house. The stress from those two facts alone should have dictated a seriously stressed and problem-prone baby. My mom was nailing, painting, always staying up really late at nights, teaching the next day, and not eating exactly healthily enough for a properly nutritioned baby.
He was born without the assistance of a real midwife (the assistant arrived just in time to say "Push!") or the company of my father (who was on the top of a mountain backpacking with the Scouts, he arrived about an hour after the baby came. *note, I stand corrected, he said he got there 20 minutes after the birth and I guess he'd know haha*)
We were in my grandma's car sitting outside when he was born, she'd come over to pick us up and instead ended up staying. That was the first time I ever knew how grouchy my mom could be while in true labor. Because she hadn't called anyone until about two and a half hours before the baby came.
He had the truest, tightest knot anyone had seen before, and my mother was terrified he'd have adverse affects from it. Her brother, a doctor, told her to use Glen Doman's methods for teaching babies to counteract the potential damage. One of Glen's methods involve placing the baby, tummy-down on a "crawl track." a padded board with sides four inches high and covered with some sort of vinyl leather stuff. They'd sleep there, stay there, and, eventually learn to crawl on it.
Well Nathaniel HATED it, as much as a baby can hate anything. He'd bawl everytime we placed him on his tummy, let alone in the crawl track. And wouldn't stop crying until he either fell asleep, or was picked up again and held. My mom went to her brother saying "Danny, he hates it" and my uncle said "Too bad. That's what needs to happen. You decide. Do you want him to cry everytime he is in it, or do you want him to have brain damage? It's up to you."
The crawl track stayed.
And he never had any kind of slowness or injury. In fact, he is one of the brightest, most intelligent children we have (course all of our kids are smart :D ) learning so quickly so many things that sometimes, we sort of wished he didn't pick up on so fast- though not really. Every time he learns something new, we give thanks to God, and I am reminded again how much our Heavenly Father loves and blesses us with miracles everyday.

Fireflies and Love Letters

Haha, you know what I was just thinking about? Those times at work when we'd have just about nothing to do so I'd write love letters. They were pretty amazing. My friend Tyler and I would exchange them. I love that boy so much, he always knew the perfect thing to say or do to just make you feel like you were on top of the world. Funny thing is, he did it to every girl so you knew that that was just the way he was. And yet, it worked anyway, every time. I miss him. He's serving a mission in Korea right now and it's been a while since I've heard from him. I need to write him another love letter. Just for old times sake.
Haha, it even got to the point where we had one of the other employee's totally convinced we were eloping to Vegas anytime. It super confused her though because she knew that I'd had this thing for another guy at the time and she didn't understand what had happened to him. Nothing had, the letters were just play. I guess maybe that's one of the reasons I always thought guys and girls can just be friends and have it work. Because I knew a unique group of guys, where that really was the case. We were just friends, really good friends, and that's all there was to it.
There is a song that says
"So we treat our love like a firefly
Like it only gets to shine for a little while
Catch it in a mason jar
With holes in the top
And run like hell to show it off"
It used to drive me absolutely batty. I really did not care for the song at all. But now, I was listening to it yesterday, and I realized, that the strong aversion I had once is gone. Because now I know what it feels like to need to 'treat your love like a firefly' and I can relate to the song. Whereas before, I didn't get it, now I do.

Unknown supporters

I was thinking about yesterday, when we went to see Chelle's sister play her basketball game. It got over and we were walking out when she came back from the dressing room and asked us if we knew how much they'd lost by, we said Yeah, we saw most of the game. She hadn't even seen us. We'd sat there, hurried from what it was we'd been doing when her game started, sat on the bleachers and watched. To show our support for her. And she didn't even notice. Which was alright, not a big deal at all, we'd had fun being there and chatting with those around us.
It made me think though of the times perhaps I have had others cheering for me, wanting what is best and being there to support me, when I didn't even bother to look up in the "bleachers" and appreciate it. How many people have been there through my life, affecting it in countless ways, and I didn't even know it.
And then there are those who I do know the affect they've had on my life. While on our walk the topic of boys came up (hey, we're girls, what can you expect?) and I started thinking of all the things I have learned from certain men that have come into my life. Even certain women. For the most part, those who have past, I know what roles they played. But for those who are still here, I don't quite know. Which is fine, their role is not finished.
I've learned a lot from those people. All of them.
I learned that I can't fix everyone's hurts, I am not the answer to every question, I cannot be what someone sees me as when it is not true to my heart. I have learned the unique power that comes from doing what you know is right. I have learned that sometimes it's all you can do to just let them know you love them. I have learned I can love someone in an unselfish way, I have learned to not let someone else's voice speak for my own. I have learned to guard myself. I have learned that while I am not the answer to EVERY question others have, I do need to get my own answers, and sometimes, they are within myself. I have learned to not make excuses for behavior, my own included. I have learned to be a friend. I have learned how to genuinely pray. I have learned to hurt. I have learned it is possible to be happy despite what anyone else has to say. I have learned what it feels like to float on the clouds, and that sometimes things come crashing down, but others, when it's really right, will just gently set you down on steady ground. I have learned how to share. I have learned to control my jealousy. I have learned how to open my soul to the strength I have in Christ. I have learned that sometimes things need to get ugly so you can really appreciate the beauty. I have learned that I have lost much, but gained all I ever need. I have learned to cry. I have truly learned that I am not perfect. I have learned to laugh. I have learned from the past, so that my future can be all the more brighter.
These are all things I have learned, and will continue to learn everyday, on different levels and different situations of life. But that's what life is, learning.

And the point is?

The sleepover went just dandy. We watched Horse Crazy. Good movie :D Many of the girls commented on the bossiness of the little sister, I just chuckled because this is coming from people who border being that bossy sometimes.
We played dress up. It's been a while since I've worn eyeshadow... Haha. They had foozeball and pool tables which we used as well. I miss playing pool at Becca's house... good times. And ten page reports about Cardinal Richelieu with Esther, early morning seminary over at Aunt Nette's, B.R.A.G. with Aunt Joanna where all of the sudden, things made sense. And Latin and Greek roots class with Mom. Where Dani and I always did better than Becca because we knew the way our mother thought and so knew which roots would most be emphasized. Haha, even while doing it I sort of figured it was like cheating. But we got good grades and learned a lot, so it worked right?
It was warm enough today that after I dropped the girls at their houses I went on a walk with Chelle, although truthfully, it was because she kidnapped me from my classroom. Which was just wonderful with me. We walked all over and by the time we were done my right knee had decided it was officially hating me. I don't know why it was freaking out so bad but oh well. We went and watched some Little League Basketball, which, was interesting, it's been a while since I've sat and watched a basketball game. The team we were cheering for got smoked 6-24. They did just fine getting the ball but every time they went to make a basket it was like "oh wait, where's the hoop?" But no matter. Winning isn't the point, is it?

Moving On

Got a letter today. Letters make me happy so much so. The sun is also shining and today is a lot better than yesterday. But then again, yesterday wasn't too absolutely crappy. I saw prayers answered. And I realized, yet again, how much we actually need to formulate those thoughts and half-baked wishes, into actual prayers. How can you get answers, have unanswered prayers, when you don't even really pray?
Talking with a friend today. I love meeting new people, because they bring something more to the equation than just me. And he said something about not being ready. Which, ok, I know and have known that for a while. That I'm not really ready for 'the next step' whatever that may be. And that's where my fear has been coming from. It's not really a valid fear, but it has been there nonetheless. It's sort of frozen up my future. I don't want to make a decision in fear. Fearing one thing or another and letting it dictate my actions. Having it be THE reason, rather than something of the past, but having left because of knowledge. But it was sort of another ha! moment, not quite ahha! but almost. First, realizing that fear, and then knowing that truthfully, I know what I want. I do. And I just need to sit down and say, this is it. I'm going for it. Going to be ready for it.
Because I can have all the answers dropped right into my lap. And unless I actually know what I'm building in the end, what I want to create, all I'm going to have is a lot of disjointed pieces.
Which, is where I'm at right now. I am resolving not to be there any longer. Floating has it's place, and will always. But I can't stay that way.
I wrote out all my memories yesterday. Having to do with a certain person that I was unsure what to do with, what part they really truly were going, and are going to play, in my life. The memories of what was past, kept coming up in my mind. Kind of holding me captive, and I let them be there, they were pleasant, wonderful memories. Even the anxious ones held value. Because I learned something. Every time. About who I am, who I was. And even who I can be.
Anyway, I wrote them all down. Took 5 1/2 full pages. And didn't go into detail. Just enough to remind me of the memory, knowing full well what was meant by only a few words. Wrote them all down. And shut the book. They belong there now. In the past. In a closed book of memories, not ones that haunt me all too often. Time will only tell if that book will be reopened to add more to it, or left on the shelf, to pull down every so often, but just to remember. Not because they are needed to find myself. I am who I am, no matter what happened yesterday, the day before, or years before. That's not me.
It helped. A lot actually. They have a place, those renegade memories. And I can keep them there, and not surrounding me all the time. Writing it down. Having definition. Even in just that. Knowing something. Knowing where the past lies, where I have chosen to place it, enables me to move on.