We're looking yet again at another change in life. A really big one. One that would require 4 months of our lives, and moving 2 states away, to a place I've never even been, let alone actually know anyone there. Right in the middle of family's birthdays, a niece or nephew being born, and a possible trip to Nauvoo. Not to mention giving up my current amazing job. We've talked it over a little in the weeks prior to this, but it just now hit me- the possibly enormous sacrifice for this job opportunity. And I'm struggling with it.
I'm so used to being in my own comfort bubble, it's been a while since I've been stretched, and it's NEVER been as intense as this move would be.
I keep thinking " Well we don't know what our true options are until a week from now" but in reality, a week isn't that far away, and when that date has come and past, will I really know?
I don't know.
Showing posts with label heartbreak. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heartbreak. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Newlywed Stress
So..... I'm overhearing this conversation between a friend and her friend, my friend having been recently married to a super amazing guy, who just happens to want to have kids really soon. Like really soon. They've been married just over a month & a half & the poor girl is already stressing out over the fact that they aren't pregnant. I kind of... really want to laugh and cry for their situation.
Statistically speaking, if you are 20 years old, have all your ducks in a row, and the timing perfect, you still have an 80% chance of 'failure' to concieve.
Which, made me feel better when I heard that.
80% of couples are able to concieve within the first year of trying, 93% within the first 2 years of trying.
So there is nothing wrong with not getting pregnant right after you get married. I really wish people would take this into consideration.
But the truth of the matter is you don't even think about it until after you're married. I mean, yes you kind of give it a few thoughts before the "I do's" but you don't spend hours and days wondering if this time is 'the time' and you'll get a positive on that pregnancy test. Or if some little change in the schedule of your body might mean something's different this time.
And the thought that something might be seriously wrong with your body doesn't really cross your mind until you're married. And the honest jealousies & unresolved emotions don't set in until you've watch other friends concieve & have their babies in the time since you've been married.
The rest of the women population who were able to have a baby soon after, or without even trying, will never understand that.
But there are a few jewel women who do. You're never alone, someone DOES understand the heartache and heartbreak.
And that knowledge, gives me strength.
Statistically speaking, if you are 20 years old, have all your ducks in a row, and the timing perfect, you still have an 80% chance of 'failure' to concieve.
Which, made me feel better when I heard that.
80% of couples are able to concieve within the first year of trying, 93% within the first 2 years of trying.
So there is nothing wrong with not getting pregnant right after you get married. I really wish people would take this into consideration.
But the truth of the matter is you don't even think about it until after you're married. I mean, yes you kind of give it a few thoughts before the "I do's" but you don't spend hours and days wondering if this time is 'the time' and you'll get a positive on that pregnancy test. Or if some little change in the schedule of your body might mean something's different this time.
And the thought that something might be seriously wrong with your body doesn't really cross your mind until you're married. And the honest jealousies & unresolved emotions don't set in until you've watch other friends concieve & have their babies in the time since you've been married.
The rest of the women population who were able to have a baby soon after, or without even trying, will never understand that.
But there are a few jewel women who do. You're never alone, someone DOES understand the heartache and heartbreak.
And that knowledge, gives me strength.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Oh isn't life wonderful?
Truthfully.
It's just somewhat hard to remember that when you're in a lot of pain, or constant pain. Particularly when the two are combined.
I visited a friend today and besides coming away feeling more 'in place' physically than I've felt in a long time, I have also been reminded of how much other people can infact relate to what I'm going through, and of how grateful I should be, that I don't usually get this sick- Ever.
I'm already into week 3 and while I AM getting better, I'm so ready to just BE there.
The last time I remember being this ill was at least 10+ years ago.
When in reality, people I know personally, anticipate & know, that with the approach of winter, it means they will be ill.
Growing older and having health problems is a terrible price to pay for wisdom don't you think? But I don't know that there is any other way to truly learn.
Anyway.
I've done a lot of searching inside lately, and I have come to the conclusion that I am profoundly grateful for my family.
Truthfully.
I realized that of the occasions people 'happen' to ask "So are you pregnant?", most of the time, ok, all of the time, with the exception of maybe two or three, it's my friends who ask this unknowingly extremely hurtful question.
Because the only answer to that is "No. But my sister is! Have you heard?"
Or just plain No.
Either is ugly & hurts more than anyone who has been blessed to concieve without trying, will ever know.
And for the fact that I don't have to answer that to my family, is huge. It means so much.
So isn't life wonderful?
It's just somewhat hard to remember that when you're in a lot of pain, or constant pain. Particularly when the two are combined.
I visited a friend today and besides coming away feeling more 'in place' physically than I've felt in a long time, I have also been reminded of how much other people can infact relate to what I'm going through, and of how grateful I should be, that I don't usually get this sick- Ever.
I'm already into week 3 and while I AM getting better, I'm so ready to just BE there.
The last time I remember being this ill was at least 10+ years ago.
When in reality, people I know personally, anticipate & know, that with the approach of winter, it means they will be ill.
Growing older and having health problems is a terrible price to pay for wisdom don't you think? But I don't know that there is any other way to truly learn.
Anyway.
I've done a lot of searching inside lately, and I have come to the conclusion that I am profoundly grateful for my family.
Truthfully.
I realized that of the occasions people 'happen' to ask "So are you pregnant?", most of the time, ok, all of the time, with the exception of maybe two or three, it's my friends who ask this unknowingly extremely hurtful question.
Because the only answer to that is "No. But my sister is! Have you heard?"
Or just plain No.
Either is ugly & hurts more than anyone who has been blessed to concieve without trying, will ever know.
And for the fact that I don't have to answer that to my family, is huge. It means so much.
So isn't life wonderful?
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Tears
While I, being the wonderful, amazing female God has created me to be, tends to shed more than a few of those things, I can honestly say I don't see men cry often.
I guess that's a good thing though because if they really were as emotionally swayed as we women, the world would be in Trouble.
The tears I shed today came from pain.
It's amazing to me how well the human body can handle pain, but there is eventually going to be a breaking point. And I hit another one of mine today.
I'm tired of hurting, and then feeling ok, like I might be healing more. And then start hurting again. I'm tired of the emotional toll and rollercoaster this pain has been.
I just want to be well! I just want to feel better about it all. I just want to know that my body isn't broken.
Somedays I feel broken. Somedays I'm just so tired of hoping and having those hopes swept aside by another mountain of pain. Having to climb that mountain again, slowly building up hope that next time.
Next time, is another chance to be whole and well.
I know that God has what's best in the big picture, in mind for me. I just can't quite see it all yet.
And sometimes it's hard to hold on.
Sometimes you just need to cry.
I guess that's a good thing though because if they really were as emotionally swayed as we women, the world would be in Trouble.
The tears I shed today came from pain.
It's amazing to me how well the human body can handle pain, but there is eventually going to be a breaking point. And I hit another one of mine today.
I'm tired of hurting, and then feeling ok, like I might be healing more. And then start hurting again. I'm tired of the emotional toll and rollercoaster this pain has been.
I just want to be well! I just want to feel better about it all. I just want to know that my body isn't broken.
Somedays I feel broken. Somedays I'm just so tired of hoping and having those hopes swept aside by another mountain of pain. Having to climb that mountain again, slowly building up hope that next time.
Next time, is another chance to be whole and well.
I know that God has what's best in the big picture, in mind for me. I just can't quite see it all yet.
And sometimes it's hard to hold on.
Sometimes you just need to cry.
Friday, December 17, 2010
The Provo Tab
Oh the lovely, historic, Provo Tabernacle
And I can't even tell you how sad that makes me.
Now that's literally gone in an evening. The roof collapsed on the building & they are going to do an evaluation to see if the building needs to be torn down because it might no longer be structurally sound.
And that sickens me.
This lovely old building now looks like this:
And I can't even tell you how sad that makes me.
This building is where I was privileged to perform in a wonderful Thanksgiving program & where later I was asked out on a date by my crush at the time. It was a storybook evening & I truly felt like a princess (later things didn't pan out but that didn't matter at the time, nor does it now.)
Not to mention all the times passing this building would make me think of all the wonderful people who have been able to see this and hold it as a part of what Provo was & is today.
Yes I know I don't have nearly the history & amount of memories with this particular structure that some of my friends have, but I have my own memories. Memories that every time I'd pass this building would come back & make me smile.
Now that's literally gone in an evening. The roof collapsed on the building & they are going to do an evaluation to see if the building needs to be torn down because it might no longer be structurally sound.
And that sickens me.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Fix-it
So here's what I've been thinking on lately... Men and their protective "fix-it" attitude. Before anyone thinks that this is only going to be a bashing course, let me assure you that it's not. I personally like it most of the time. I have a trouble, I go to a guy, they fix it. Or at least attempt to. And I love them for that. Although there are some times when I seriously wonder at it. My ex and I were talking once about fears, and he admitted that his fear of 'us' not working out was not for him, he knew himself, he knew what he'd do and he knew he'd be fine. His fear was for me. That I would be crushed by the fact that we were no longer together. This 'fear' stems from the fact that his one and only other ex-girlfriend WAS basically crushed by the fact that 'they' didn't work out. She's lost a sparkle for life and will openly admit that breaking up with him is what she considers one of if not the biggest mistake of her life.
His fear was that I'd turn out the same way. My initial reaction was "Oh that's so sweet of you to be concerned!" And it stayed that way. For all of about six minutes. And then something in me went "wait what? ok, I AM stronger than she is, I wouldn't do that" but honestly who am I to judge her but a friend that's watched her grow through the years and seen the way she deals with troubles. Nothing much, just 18 years of observing, and occasionally being, part of the trouble.
Well anyway, I just started singing a song that says "Sometimes, I'm foolish and I'm clumsy, but I got friends that love me, and they know just where I stand, it's all a part of me. It's who I am" This song has always sort of been one that I want as my 'anthem' if you will. And we laughed it off and continued on to different topics.
Lying in bed that night after our conversation it irked me a bit and the next day I talked with a wonderful girl friend of mine about this thing that had been occupying the back of my mind for some time. Why did he think that I would be crushed to the point of brokenness, if things didn't work out? Did I strike him as being too weak to recover from something like that?
And honestly maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't. But I know that I have a Father in Heaven and that he loves me and that if things didn't work out with a certain man, it didn't mean that there wasn't one out there for me.
Just saying.
His fear was that I'd turn out the same way. My initial reaction was "Oh that's so sweet of you to be concerned!" And it stayed that way. For all of about six minutes. And then something in me went "wait what? ok, I AM stronger than she is, I wouldn't do that" but honestly who am I to judge her but a friend that's watched her grow through the years and seen the way she deals with troubles. Nothing much, just 18 years of observing, and occasionally being, part of the trouble.
Well anyway, I just started singing a song that says "Sometimes, I'm foolish and I'm clumsy, but I got friends that love me, and they know just where I stand, it's all a part of me. It's who I am" This song has always sort of been one that I want as my 'anthem' if you will. And we laughed it off and continued on to different topics.
Lying in bed that night after our conversation it irked me a bit and the next day I talked with a wonderful girl friend of mine about this thing that had been occupying the back of my mind for some time. Why did he think that I would be crushed to the point of brokenness, if things didn't work out? Did I strike him as being too weak to recover from something like that?
And honestly maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't. But I know that I have a Father in Heaven and that he loves me and that if things didn't work out with a certain man, it didn't mean that there wasn't one out there for me.
Just saying.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Every bit
So mostly, I wonder at life. And the miracle that it is. The friends you meet along the way, the ones who change you for the better, and those who change you for good. Never to return to where you were before. The people who come in, and after a time, pass out of your life, leaving only memories and lessons learned while in their company. And those friends who stay there, and continue to grow with you. Who's to say someone is one type, and another the other? Simply time? Or something deeper, something you have control of, or just luck and chance?
I have friends like that right now, that I'm not sure if they're going to stay around for a long while, or simply, after a season, leave, leaving me with the whispers of times past and laughter and heartache. Does this mean that I should guard myself already with them, knowing, as I do, how great the risk is that they will leave and never return, that somehow, the closeness we share, will have to be sacrificed because we are not walking the same paths, or even similar ones, in life.
Or do I simply take things as they come, thank God for all, every tear, every laugh, every secret, every joy, every pain, every confusion. Is it worth it to me? To risk all, every bit of my heart that belongs to them, and know that I may be left somehow, missing them.
Where does the line belong, between just right, and not. Misjudging and miscalculation could result in terrible aching when lives no longer join, but then again, is life all about cold calculations and figures. Knowing the ending from the beginning, and callously passing judgments because of fears. Does that have place in my life?
Hanging in limbo is hard, but balance and serenity is what I seek. The only thing I know now, is that I don't want to lose this, but clinging to it too hard, making and wanting it to fit perfectly into a 'box' is not going to leave anything but hurt. Closing off and shutting down potential. Mighty power and love, grace and eloquence, pain and hurt. These all stand hand in hand. And I need to learn how to respect that. And then maybe I can find peace.
I have friends like that right now, that I'm not sure if they're going to stay around for a long while, or simply, after a season, leave, leaving me with the whispers of times past and laughter and heartache. Does this mean that I should guard myself already with them, knowing, as I do, how great the risk is that they will leave and never return, that somehow, the closeness we share, will have to be sacrificed because we are not walking the same paths, or even similar ones, in life.
Or do I simply take things as they come, thank God for all, every tear, every laugh, every secret, every joy, every pain, every confusion. Is it worth it to me? To risk all, every bit of my heart that belongs to them, and know that I may be left somehow, missing them.
Where does the line belong, between just right, and not. Misjudging and miscalculation could result in terrible aching when lives no longer join, but then again, is life all about cold calculations and figures. Knowing the ending from the beginning, and callously passing judgments because of fears. Does that have place in my life?
Hanging in limbo is hard, but balance and serenity is what I seek. The only thing I know now, is that I don't want to lose this, but clinging to it too hard, making and wanting it to fit perfectly into a 'box' is not going to leave anything but hurt. Closing off and shutting down potential. Mighty power and love, grace and eloquence, pain and hurt. These all stand hand in hand. And I need to learn how to respect that. And then maybe I can find peace.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Two Weeks
So I feel really strange again. I just lost one of my best and closest friends. Again. Why does this happen? I'm not talking to someone else again. Because of things that happened, emotions that came up. Stupid emotions. Why did they have to get addressed anyway? Oh right, because in this friendship, we were always honest with each other. No matter what.
Well look where honesty got us- two weeks of silence. And trying to figure out where to place these feelings. Mostly... I just thought you know, he was capable of being impervious to what every other male I seem to come in contact with does. We had rules, boundaries. And I didn't think they'd ever get crossed. I don't know why I thought that. But I did. And now... I just don't know where anything else stands.
Really, honestly, that rule was there, so it just didn't happen. I didn't go there, didn't even consider it. And now all the sudden... I'm having to. And I don't know what to think. Things can't continue the way there were, because of what was said. But I don't know which way to go- what to do.
I don't want to lose a friend, but I can see that it was unfair of us to think that we could be so good of friends, and somehow not have deeper feelings develop...? I know we can get over it and be friends still, it's happened before- it's just the getting there... that I'm not really sure how to do.
In my mind at this point and time I don't believe we'll ever be more than friends- and that's just how it is for me. But any kind of relationship takes more than just me, more than just one person. And so... where to from here? These next two weeks are going to hurt.
Well look where honesty got us- two weeks of silence. And trying to figure out where to place these feelings. Mostly... I just thought you know, he was capable of being impervious to what every other male I seem to come in contact with does. We had rules, boundaries. And I didn't think they'd ever get crossed. I don't know why I thought that. But I did. And now... I just don't know where anything else stands.
Really, honestly, that rule was there, so it just didn't happen. I didn't go there, didn't even consider it. And now all the sudden... I'm having to. And I don't know what to think. Things can't continue the way there were, because of what was said. But I don't know which way to go- what to do.
I don't want to lose a friend, but I can see that it was unfair of us to think that we could be so good of friends, and somehow not have deeper feelings develop...? I know we can get over it and be friends still, it's happened before- it's just the getting there... that I'm not really sure how to do.
In my mind at this point and time I don't believe we'll ever be more than friends- and that's just how it is for me. But any kind of relationship takes more than just me, more than just one person. And so... where to from here? These next two weeks are going to hurt.
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