I have a confession. Of all things household, laundry seems to be my nemesis. It's never done!!!! And I really dislike folding laundry. Thus why I hang most things.... When I married my sweetheart I come to find out that he does not in fact, prefer things hung, but rather folded, and folded differently than I do.
I have since taken the time to adopt his manner of folding (I mean, if I'm going to have to fold things I might as well fold them so SOMEONE can be glad about it right?)
This is why when I see my husbands stack of folded laundry back on the floor..... amid other soiled siblings, I kind of get cranky. Laundry that I folded and placed on the dresser in clear view thinking that he would be inclined to put it away if it was so blatantly in his face.
But no.
It's down on the ground again.
And so I come to wonder how it is that he can make me feel so guilty for not cleaning up my crafts, and guilt me into doing something about it, where as when he does something that I dislike, I just get angry, say something about it, and then later apologize. He accepts the apology & we move on, with things pretty much the same as it was before I got cranky. Leaving me to believe that he either just dismisses what I said as an outburst of anger & him thinking that I did not really mean anything that I said during that show of emotion.... or he just wasn't planning on taking me seriously in the first place.
Doesn't apologizing show weakness anyway?
Somebody please help me understand.
Because meanwhile the laundry pile is getting taller & taller.
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frustration. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Newlywed Stress
So..... I'm overhearing this conversation between a friend and her friend, my friend having been recently married to a super amazing guy, who just happens to want to have kids really soon. Like really soon. They've been married just over a month & a half & the poor girl is already stressing out over the fact that they aren't pregnant. I kind of... really want to laugh and cry for their situation.
Statistically speaking, if you are 20 years old, have all your ducks in a row, and the timing perfect, you still have an 80% chance of 'failure' to concieve.
Which, made me feel better when I heard that.
80% of couples are able to concieve within the first year of trying, 93% within the first 2 years of trying.
So there is nothing wrong with not getting pregnant right after you get married. I really wish people would take this into consideration.
But the truth of the matter is you don't even think about it until after you're married. I mean, yes you kind of give it a few thoughts before the "I do's" but you don't spend hours and days wondering if this time is 'the time' and you'll get a positive on that pregnancy test. Or if some little change in the schedule of your body might mean something's different this time.
And the thought that something might be seriously wrong with your body doesn't really cross your mind until you're married. And the honest jealousies & unresolved emotions don't set in until you've watch other friends concieve & have their babies in the time since you've been married.
The rest of the women population who were able to have a baby soon after, or without even trying, will never understand that.
But there are a few jewel women who do. You're never alone, someone DOES understand the heartache and heartbreak.
And that knowledge, gives me strength.
Statistically speaking, if you are 20 years old, have all your ducks in a row, and the timing perfect, you still have an 80% chance of 'failure' to concieve.
Which, made me feel better when I heard that.
80% of couples are able to concieve within the first year of trying, 93% within the first 2 years of trying.
So there is nothing wrong with not getting pregnant right after you get married. I really wish people would take this into consideration.
But the truth of the matter is you don't even think about it until after you're married. I mean, yes you kind of give it a few thoughts before the "I do's" but you don't spend hours and days wondering if this time is 'the time' and you'll get a positive on that pregnancy test. Or if some little change in the schedule of your body might mean something's different this time.
And the thought that something might be seriously wrong with your body doesn't really cross your mind until you're married. And the honest jealousies & unresolved emotions don't set in until you've watch other friends concieve & have their babies in the time since you've been married.
The rest of the women population who were able to have a baby soon after, or without even trying, will never understand that.
But there are a few jewel women who do. You're never alone, someone DOES understand the heartache and heartbreak.
And that knowledge, gives me strength.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Oh isn't life wonderful?
Truthfully.
It's just somewhat hard to remember that when you're in a lot of pain, or constant pain. Particularly when the two are combined.
I visited a friend today and besides coming away feeling more 'in place' physically than I've felt in a long time, I have also been reminded of how much other people can infact relate to what I'm going through, and of how grateful I should be, that I don't usually get this sick- Ever.
I'm already into week 3 and while I AM getting better, I'm so ready to just BE there.
The last time I remember being this ill was at least 10+ years ago.
When in reality, people I know personally, anticipate & know, that with the approach of winter, it means they will be ill.
Growing older and having health problems is a terrible price to pay for wisdom don't you think? But I don't know that there is any other way to truly learn.
Anyway.
I've done a lot of searching inside lately, and I have come to the conclusion that I am profoundly grateful for my family.
Truthfully.
I realized that of the occasions people 'happen' to ask "So are you pregnant?", most of the time, ok, all of the time, with the exception of maybe two or three, it's my friends who ask this unknowingly extremely hurtful question.
Because the only answer to that is "No. But my sister is! Have you heard?"
Or just plain No.
Either is ugly & hurts more than anyone who has been blessed to concieve without trying, will ever know.
And for the fact that I don't have to answer that to my family, is huge. It means so much.
So isn't life wonderful?
It's just somewhat hard to remember that when you're in a lot of pain, or constant pain. Particularly when the two are combined.
I visited a friend today and besides coming away feeling more 'in place' physically than I've felt in a long time, I have also been reminded of how much other people can infact relate to what I'm going through, and of how grateful I should be, that I don't usually get this sick- Ever.
I'm already into week 3 and while I AM getting better, I'm so ready to just BE there.
The last time I remember being this ill was at least 10+ years ago.
When in reality, people I know personally, anticipate & know, that with the approach of winter, it means they will be ill.
Growing older and having health problems is a terrible price to pay for wisdom don't you think? But I don't know that there is any other way to truly learn.
Anyway.
I've done a lot of searching inside lately, and I have come to the conclusion that I am profoundly grateful for my family.
Truthfully.
I realized that of the occasions people 'happen' to ask "So are you pregnant?", most of the time, ok, all of the time, with the exception of maybe two or three, it's my friends who ask this unknowingly extremely hurtful question.
Because the only answer to that is "No. But my sister is! Have you heard?"
Or just plain No.
Either is ugly & hurts more than anyone who has been blessed to concieve without trying, will ever know.
And for the fact that I don't have to answer that to my family, is huge. It means so much.
So isn't life wonderful?
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Crabby Posting
***WARNING***- the following post is coming from current frustrations & do not necessarily indicate that anything is seriously wrong with my life, just know that I might sound considerably whiney & thoroughly candid. If that's something you'd rather not read, then don't.
I've decided that I will more than likely be one of those old ladies who is really rather abrupt & rude to irritating things/people. One of those ones who you will think of and say "well she's old enough I guess she's entitled to complaining" -or something like that.
I'm pretty sure I've already started on the path.
Since becoming ill last Thursday I've found incredible annoyance from noise I don't deem necessary, people who don't shut doors when the temperature is anywhere near below 45 degrees Fahrenheit (Seriously guys, what's so freaking hard about shutting the dang door?) also, people who don't listen to me (which is becoming more & more common as I continue to struggle with a lost voice & coughing,) people who ask for help with things I deem stupid (my current atittude towards that is: if you can't do it already by yourself either MOVE OVER and let me just do it already, or just don't do it. More often the latter.)
Another thing I don't quite understand is how men still want to be intimate at a time when their spouse is sick.
What part of either hacking out a lung or running a fever & then having cold sweats spells romance & sex to you?
And then of course I feel slightly guilty & we might end up doing at least something which then leaves me again coughing til I fall asleep.
Which! Brings me to the next part. I am currently despising of sleep.
This is a typical night:
1-As the evening sets in, become increasingly chilled/start running a fever.
2-Climb in bed, depending on the position, that itself can start a coughing fit.
3-Say evening prayers, if it's hubby's turn he's chorused quite well with a few large hacking noises, if it's mine, I whisper/cough through the entirety, with large breaks between thoughts as I attempt to keep from coughing (during which hubby might fall asleep because this prayer has stretched for so long)
4-It's at this point we say/kiss goodnight & hubby rolls away to sleep because there is no way he could possibly be comfortable enough snuggled next to something that coughs every few minutes & at this point is really rather warm.
5-I then proceed to cough/rest/cough/rest/cough, hubby usually falls asleep during this time.
6-It continues like this until somehow I do manage to fall asleep (I think?) where I either dream of coughing/wake myself up by coughing or breakout into a cold sweat while asleep & then proceed to wake up drenched & freezing again.
7- Repeat steps 5 & 6 (with the exception that hubby is still asleep through it all. Thank Goodness!)
Can you not see why now I so dislike the world?
I've decided that I will more than likely be one of those old ladies who is really rather abrupt & rude to irritating things/people. One of those ones who you will think of and say "well she's old enough I guess she's entitled to complaining" -or something like that.
I'm pretty sure I've already started on the path.
Since becoming ill last Thursday I've found incredible annoyance from noise I don't deem necessary, people who don't shut doors when the temperature is anywhere near below 45 degrees Fahrenheit (Seriously guys, what's so freaking hard about shutting the dang door?) also, people who don't listen to me (which is becoming more & more common as I continue to struggle with a lost voice & coughing,) people who ask for help with things I deem stupid (my current atittude towards that is: if you can't do it already by yourself either MOVE OVER and let me just do it already, or just don't do it. More often the latter.)
Another thing I don't quite understand is how men still want to be intimate at a time when their spouse is sick.
What part of either hacking out a lung or running a fever & then having cold sweats spells romance & sex to you?
And then of course I feel slightly guilty & we might end up doing at least something which then leaves me again coughing til I fall asleep.
Which! Brings me to the next part. I am currently despising of sleep.
This is a typical night:
1-As the evening sets in, become increasingly chilled/start running a fever.
2-Climb in bed, depending on the position, that itself can start a coughing fit.
3-Say evening prayers, if it's hubby's turn he's chorused quite well with a few large hacking noises, if it's mine, I whisper/cough through the entirety, with large breaks between thoughts as I attempt to keep from coughing (during which hubby might fall asleep because this prayer has stretched for so long)
4-It's at this point we say/kiss goodnight & hubby rolls away to sleep because there is no way he could possibly be comfortable enough snuggled next to something that coughs every few minutes & at this point is really rather warm.
5-I then proceed to cough/rest/cough/rest/cough, hubby usually falls asleep during this time.
6-It continues like this until somehow I do manage to fall asleep (I think?) where I either dream of coughing/wake myself up by coughing or breakout into a cold sweat while asleep & then proceed to wake up drenched & freezing again.
7- Repeat steps 5 & 6 (with the exception that hubby is still asleep through it all. Thank Goodness!)
Can you not see why now I so dislike the world?
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Tears
While I, being the wonderful, amazing female God has created me to be, tends to shed more than a few of those things, I can honestly say I don't see men cry often.
I guess that's a good thing though because if they really were as emotionally swayed as we women, the world would be in Trouble.
The tears I shed today came from pain.
It's amazing to me how well the human body can handle pain, but there is eventually going to be a breaking point. And I hit another one of mine today.
I'm tired of hurting, and then feeling ok, like I might be healing more. And then start hurting again. I'm tired of the emotional toll and rollercoaster this pain has been.
I just want to be well! I just want to feel better about it all. I just want to know that my body isn't broken.
Somedays I feel broken. Somedays I'm just so tired of hoping and having those hopes swept aside by another mountain of pain. Having to climb that mountain again, slowly building up hope that next time.
Next time, is another chance to be whole and well.
I know that God has what's best in the big picture, in mind for me. I just can't quite see it all yet.
And sometimes it's hard to hold on.
Sometimes you just need to cry.
I guess that's a good thing though because if they really were as emotionally swayed as we women, the world would be in Trouble.
The tears I shed today came from pain.
It's amazing to me how well the human body can handle pain, but there is eventually going to be a breaking point. And I hit another one of mine today.
I'm tired of hurting, and then feeling ok, like I might be healing more. And then start hurting again. I'm tired of the emotional toll and rollercoaster this pain has been.
I just want to be well! I just want to feel better about it all. I just want to know that my body isn't broken.
Somedays I feel broken. Somedays I'm just so tired of hoping and having those hopes swept aside by another mountain of pain. Having to climb that mountain again, slowly building up hope that next time.
Next time, is another chance to be whole and well.
I know that God has what's best in the big picture, in mind for me. I just can't quite see it all yet.
And sometimes it's hard to hold on.
Sometimes you just need to cry.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Car Wishing
Mostly because we don't have enough saved up to actually buy much of anything that wouldn't need some type of work on it. And we have more than enough vehicles that 'could use some work'
I don't understand how people can think "runs good, needs some work" inspires any sort of confidence in a buyer.
Or the dreaded "this car has always worked great for me. It recently wouldn't start & I don't know why" etc etc.
And then there's always the no-photo, one line ads.
Yeah gee thanks, I really appreciate going into something with no idea what we're up against. NOT. We've already done that & have thoroughly learned our lesson.
So instead I sift through lots of junky and/or too pricey advertisements, hoping eventually to find something that will work for us.
Wish me luck!
I don't understand how people can think "runs good, needs some work" inspires any sort of confidence in a buyer.
Or the dreaded "this car has always worked great for me. It recently wouldn't start & I don't know why" etc etc.
And then there's always the no-photo, one line ads.
Yeah gee thanks, I really appreciate going into something with no idea what we're up against. NOT. We've already done that & have thoroughly learned our lesson.
So instead I sift through lots of junky and/or too pricey advertisements, hoping eventually to find something that will work for us.
Wish me luck!
Friday, November 12, 2010
Car troubles
Someday..... we will again have a vehicle that doesn't require repairs every few hundred miles. Someday.
Until then, we will drive around vehicles that have windows that can't roll up or down, vehicles that the milage meter doesn't work, there is no stereo in, & no hazard lights button. Vehicles that have the clutch go out on them, vehicles that lose their timing belts because the tensioner seized up, vehicles that don't have much for power steering, etc etc.
At least we have something to get around in.
Until then, we will drive around vehicles that have windows that can't roll up or down, vehicles that the milage meter doesn't work, there is no stereo in, & no hazard lights button. Vehicles that have the clutch go out on them, vehicles that lose their timing belts because the tensioner seized up, vehicles that don't have much for power steering, etc etc.
At least we have something to get around in.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Six am
And I'm awake. Although Sam is at work by five-thirty I usually don't wake up more than enough to say goodbye & fall back asleep where I was but this morning was different cuz I had to drive him to work so I can have the vehicle. It's amazing how quiet children are when they're sleeping :)
Yesterday was kind of a very long day, I'm afraid I might be low on vitamin B -- my tolerance level was not high at all.
Note: try not to get into in-depth, life-changing, perspective-challenging conversations about touchy subjects when you feel like that. It makes everything harder to process.
On the bright side I suppose, I did manage to get some organizing done with photos that have been driving Sam bonkers because they're just sitting in boxes in our room. Yay? I think? Except that he is frankly annoyed with me even taking on the project anyway...
I am looking forward to today though, I have work & Dani will be taking care of the kids while I am gone. I'm so glad for sisters :)
Honestly I think me being babysitter has been hard for Sam. He's used to a wife who usually has nothing more important than pampering & loving him when he comes home, showering undivided attention. It's different when he's one of six people wanting your attention & love & food in their stomachs. I guess I haven't quite mastered the art of being wife first and daughter/sister second. Give me some time though, I've had nineteen years to get used to the one roll, and not even a full year to get down the other. Not to mention that we haven't had a house that is our own, which also delays that bit of learning.
Yesterday was kind of a very long day, I'm afraid I might be low on vitamin B -- my tolerance level was not high at all.
Note: try not to get into in-depth, life-changing, perspective-challenging conversations about touchy subjects when you feel like that. It makes everything harder to process.
On the bright side I suppose, I did manage to get some organizing done with photos that have been driving Sam bonkers because they're just sitting in boxes in our room. Yay? I think? Except that he is frankly annoyed with me even taking on the project anyway...
I am looking forward to today though, I have work & Dani will be taking care of the kids while I am gone. I'm so glad for sisters :)
Honestly I think me being babysitter has been hard for Sam. He's used to a wife who usually has nothing more important than pampering & loving him when he comes home, showering undivided attention. It's different when he's one of six people wanting your attention & love & food in their stomachs. I guess I haven't quite mastered the art of being wife first and daughter/sister second. Give me some time though, I've had nineteen years to get used to the one roll, and not even a full year to get down the other. Not to mention that we haven't had a house that is our own, which also delays that bit of learning.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
It's so good to be alive
Really.
This week has been a little overwhelming to say the least.
Monday on the way to drop Sam off to his carpool (he was driving, I was still only half-awake) we got into a car accident. It was either a ditch and a post, or a train. We opted for the first one.
That same day we found out/decided that he'll be heading to Hawaii for work. It was still up in the air as to when he'd be leaving, sometime next week supposedly.
Tuesday was relatively uneventful, I slept a ton (probably aftermath of emotions catching up with me)
By Wednesday I was so ready to be out of the house- we've been staying at his parents home in Lehi-, so that night we went on a 'date' to Barnes and Noble where I got the phone call that my sister is now engaged. yeah.
I started this post on Thursday, but now it's Saturday and we are back home in Mount Pleasant. Sam's flight leaves Monday at 11 am. I'll be staying with my parents most of the time he's away, but I'm hoping to land a job and take a visit to Montana as well.
Maybe. And just maybe, he'll be home in time for Valentines Day. We can always hope right?
This week has been a little overwhelming to say the least.
Monday on the way to drop Sam off to his carpool (he was driving, I was still only half-awake) we got into a car accident. It was either a ditch and a post, or a train. We opted for the first one.
That same day we found out/decided that he'll be heading to Hawaii for work. It was still up in the air as to when he'd be leaving, sometime next week supposedly.
Tuesday was relatively uneventful, I slept a ton (probably aftermath of emotions catching up with me)
By Wednesday I was so ready to be out of the house- we've been staying at his parents home in Lehi-, so that night we went on a 'date' to Barnes and Noble where I got the phone call that my sister is now engaged. yeah.
I started this post on Thursday, but now it's Saturday and we are back home in Mount Pleasant. Sam's flight leaves Monday at 11 am. I'll be staying with my parents most of the time he's away, but I'm hoping to land a job and take a visit to Montana as well.
Maybe. And just maybe, he'll be home in time for Valentines Day. We can always hope right?
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Five Months Later
I'm still having to deal with reinfections from the wisdom teeth extraction.
I'm SO done with this.
Tired of the aching and swelling and frustration. It's NOT NORMAL!
Actually, another one of our patients went to the same doctor and she came back absolutely traumatized. You're not supposed to come away from an experience still bawling about it three weeks later. But the anesthesiologist was very rude. I didn't like him when I went there, and apparently he never really did completely get the other girl to sleep. She was awake through the whole thing. Completely conscious, and could give you the names of every person that had been in the room.
The worst thing a doctor can say to a patient is "Oh no, you just imagined what happened, that didn't really happen" When in fact, it did.
Needless to say, I'm pretty sure Dr. Johnson won't be referring many patients over to him anymore. Even if he did, there have been enough people talking about the horror stories that most of them are asking for anyone but this other doctor.
It's said that removing a tooth causes trauma, but I didn't have any clue just how much was even remotely possible until this experience. If it has done any good at all, dealing with this has made me even more determined that I won't lose a tooth unless ABSOLUTELY necessary, and even then, there are other options such as titanium implants that work just as well.
Sorry if this has struck anyone as boring, it's just the Dental Assistant coming out in me and the frustrated patient.
I'm SO done with this.
Tired of the aching and swelling and frustration. It's NOT NORMAL!
Actually, another one of our patients went to the same doctor and she came back absolutely traumatized. You're not supposed to come away from an experience still bawling about it three weeks later. But the anesthesiologist was very rude. I didn't like him when I went there, and apparently he never really did completely get the other girl to sleep. She was awake through the whole thing. Completely conscious, and could give you the names of every person that had been in the room.
The worst thing a doctor can say to a patient is "Oh no, you just imagined what happened, that didn't really happen" When in fact, it did.
Needless to say, I'm pretty sure Dr. Johnson won't be referring many patients over to him anymore. Even if he did, there have been enough people talking about the horror stories that most of them are asking for anyone but this other doctor.
It's said that removing a tooth causes trauma, but I didn't have any clue just how much was even remotely possible until this experience. If it has done any good at all, dealing with this has made me even more determined that I won't lose a tooth unless ABSOLUTELY necessary, and even then, there are other options such as titanium implants that work just as well.
Sorry if this has struck anyone as boring, it's just the Dental Assistant coming out in me and the frustrated patient.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Slight Update
It's Thursday! A week from right now I'll be getting finished working my last day at Dr. Johnson's dental office and heading home to move home to Utah. Crazy.
It's definitely been a week. Yesterday my soon-to-be brother-in-law fell 38 feet off a roof they were framing at work. That wasn't fun. The not knowing what was going on. I'm still not all sure what he's up against, but thus far what I do know means a long time recuperating.
I hadn't told Sam lately, but honestly what he does for work terrifies me. At any time something could go horribly wrong. The risk he takes is only worth it because of how much he loves what he does. I just got reminded of that last night.
Oh, and can I just tell you how much fun it is to be 'tentatively engaged'? It's not really, I'm joking. But at least it's better than not being engaged at all. And soon the T word will be removed as well.
Part of my frustration is two things. 1- I have no money whatsoever to actually start getting things ready for marriage. and 2- I'm still up here in Montana, have no job lined up, and can't really do much about it til I get back down to Utah. Oh the joys :)
But you do what you can and try not to stress about the rest. It doesn't do any good anyway :)
It's definitely been a week. Yesterday my soon-to-be brother-in-law fell 38 feet off a roof they were framing at work. That wasn't fun. The not knowing what was going on. I'm still not all sure what he's up against, but thus far what I do know means a long time recuperating.
I hadn't told Sam lately, but honestly what he does for work terrifies me. At any time something could go horribly wrong. The risk he takes is only worth it because of how much he loves what he does. I just got reminded of that last night.
Oh, and can I just tell you how much fun it is to be 'tentatively engaged'? It's not really, I'm joking. But at least it's better than not being engaged at all. And soon the T word will be removed as well.
Part of my frustration is two things. 1- I have no money whatsoever to actually start getting things ready for marriage. and 2- I'm still up here in Montana, have no job lined up, and can't really do much about it til I get back down to Utah. Oh the joys :)
But you do what you can and try not to stress about the rest. It doesn't do any good anyway :)
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Just a Sunday
I went on a walk today. Alone but for the company of a dog. Which, proved to be more irritating than comforting. He likes to chase cars. Seriously I wanted to kick him.... but he's not my dog, he belongs to an uncle who left him at home when he moved away, so I can't really. You would think that after getting run over a couple of times he would realize that it's not exactly a smart idea, but no, not so much. He still does it.
I made a new chore chart for the kids, hopefully it works better than the last one. Always trying to improve.
I made a strawberry smoothie today and no one was home to help me eat it so I packed up and carted it over to Chelle's where her family and I enjoyed it. It was fun. We ended up reading from Faith, What and How again. That book is amazing and some day I'm going to read it all the way through.
It was talking about how we often use "Thy will be done" as a cop out. As an excuse for something not panning out. It differentiated between a few things though and explained it better in the book but basically when we know the will of God we need to not say "If it is Thy will" -we already know God's will. Ok, first of all we need to find out God's will, which is hard enough. But when we find out what his will is, we need to take responsibility and make it happen rather than saying "are you sure God?" and questioning his judgment. It was interesting to realize that again. I don't know, just go read the book and you'll understand more of what I am trying to explain :D
I made a new chore chart for the kids, hopefully it works better than the last one. Always trying to improve.
I made a strawberry smoothie today and no one was home to help me eat it so I packed up and carted it over to Chelle's where her family and I enjoyed it. It was fun. We ended up reading from Faith, What and How again. That book is amazing and some day I'm going to read it all the way through.
It was talking about how we often use "Thy will be done" as a cop out. As an excuse for something not panning out. It differentiated between a few things though and explained it better in the book but basically when we know the will of God we need to not say "If it is Thy will" -we already know God's will. Ok, first of all we need to find out God's will, which is hard enough. But when we find out what his will is, we need to take responsibility and make it happen rather than saying "are you sure God?" and questioning his judgment. It was interesting to realize that again. I don't know, just go read the book and you'll understand more of what I am trying to explain :D
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Crash and Burn
Needy. That's what it is. My mom and I were talking about different things, stuff I needed to watch out for in my friendships with guys. And depending on them way a lot was one of those things. Guys like meeting needs. That's what they are good at. But when you don't need them to, don't want them too, it gets frustrating. Also, as the girl, I needed to watch out that I was not demanding more than I should, from my guy friends. And it's something I struggle with, knowing when I demand and take too much. More than I should.
Well recently, I have noticed, yet again, how needy a certain friendship I have with an individual is. It's like, I need to be there, all the time, talking to them. If I'm not, they are saddened. An worried. It sort of drove me away really. Watching that, how much they needed that, and knowing I can't fulfill what perhaps in their heart of hearts, wants. One thing they love to do is help others find answers. And I don't feel like they can. It's just frustrating you know? I'm sorry. You read this blog, and if it really ticks you off that I'm writing about this, I'm not really sorry. Maybe then we can talk about it.
It has been my fault. For turning to this person way too often. Letting them be my "Jiminy Cricket" when really, it was better for me to have turned to my family or myself. Or girl friends.
But I feel like, even though they say maybe I'm reading too much into what they don't say, maybe again, I'm not. It doesn't change the fact that I don't want to hear how I am the one who makes them smile the most. That shouldn't be me. That's not my place. It doesn't change the fact that I am ok with them being an 'outsider' as they phrased it, to my thoughts and innermost feelings. That's where they need to be. So deal with it.
I don't need them. As rude as that might sound. I don't. My life worked perfectly well without them before now, it can do it again. I don't want their help with finding my answers, to be my Jiminy Cricket anymore. Except prayers are always good, because those are through God's message system.
But stop thinking that you are going to be there with me every step of the way. To catch me when I fall. I don't want you to, that's not your place. Just let me fall. Crash and burn if so be it. I won't. but if I do, then I will do it with myself, and with family.
I don't know. I'm just venting here. But I do know the way that I feel.
Well recently, I have noticed, yet again, how needy a certain friendship I have with an individual is. It's like, I need to be there, all the time, talking to them. If I'm not, they are saddened. An worried. It sort of drove me away really. Watching that, how much they needed that, and knowing I can't fulfill what perhaps in their heart of hearts, wants. One thing they love to do is help others find answers. And I don't feel like they can. It's just frustrating you know? I'm sorry. You read this blog, and if it really ticks you off that I'm writing about this, I'm not really sorry. Maybe then we can talk about it.
It has been my fault. For turning to this person way too often. Letting them be my "Jiminy Cricket" when really, it was better for me to have turned to my family or myself. Or girl friends.
But I feel like, even though they say maybe I'm reading too much into what they don't say, maybe again, I'm not. It doesn't change the fact that I don't want to hear how I am the one who makes them smile the most. That shouldn't be me. That's not my place. It doesn't change the fact that I am ok with them being an 'outsider' as they phrased it, to my thoughts and innermost feelings. That's where they need to be. So deal with it.
I don't need them. As rude as that might sound. I don't. My life worked perfectly well without them before now, it can do it again. I don't want their help with finding my answers, to be my Jiminy Cricket anymore. Except prayers are always good, because those are through God's message system.
But stop thinking that you are going to be there with me every step of the way. To catch me when I fall. I don't want you to, that's not your place. Just let me fall. Crash and burn if so be it. I won't. but if I do, then I will do it with myself, and with family.
I don't know. I'm just venting here. But I do know the way that I feel.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
2nd time around
Parent Teacher Conferences came around again. And I survived them. Again. Sheesh, the stress leading up to it leaves a rather anti-climatic ending when I don't really get to see very many of the parents... and it really couldn't matter less what the state of my classroom is because it's not like they care. Or maybe they do? For all of thirty seconds.
I have discovered and officially decided though, that if I ever just need a source of stress from an adult, all I need to do is go talk to the mother of one of my boys. She came up to me and told me she was thinking to pull her son out of Title 1, a special class for those who need extra help. Because "it might help his social life" I just about flipped! There is NO way it would more help his social standing than it would hurt his learning, no way to justify that sort of action. He's jumped 23% in his reading since the beginning of the school year, to now. I need the other teacher he goes to, to help him see, and work with him individually- so that he can grow. Besides the fact that this child, recently had to get glasses, and just guess the kind of glasses she got her son? These are like huge, thick-rimmed black glasses that just scream NERD! Sadly, but true. He 'broke' his glasses a few weeks ago... he knows they don't help his in his social life. And here she is, thinking that compromising his learning, is going to help his social life. Well it's not.
She kept saying that she's taught before, and seen kids so awkward like her son, grow up and become competent and wonderful adults. I don't know who she's specifically referring to, but I think something she's missing is the fact that in these children's lives somewhere there was someone, who finally said "You know what? I'm NOT giving up on you, and you are going to prove to the rest of the world, and yourself, that you are worth believing in. You are going to DO this" she just expects it to magically happen without help. And that pains me.
I have discovered and officially decided though, that if I ever just need a source of stress from an adult, all I need to do is go talk to the mother of one of my boys. She came up to me and told me she was thinking to pull her son out of Title 1, a special class for those who need extra help. Because "it might help his social life" I just about flipped! There is NO way it would more help his social standing than it would hurt his learning, no way to justify that sort of action. He's jumped 23% in his reading since the beginning of the school year, to now. I need the other teacher he goes to, to help him see, and work with him individually- so that he can grow. Besides the fact that this child, recently had to get glasses, and just guess the kind of glasses she got her son? These are like huge, thick-rimmed black glasses that just scream NERD! Sadly, but true. He 'broke' his glasses a few weeks ago... he knows they don't help his in his social life. And here she is, thinking that compromising his learning, is going to help his social life. Well it's not.
She kept saying that she's taught before, and seen kids so awkward like her son, grow up and become competent and wonderful adults. I don't know who she's specifically referring to, but I think something she's missing is the fact that in these children's lives somewhere there was someone, who finally said "You know what? I'm NOT giving up on you, and you are going to prove to the rest of the world, and yourself, that you are worth believing in. You are going to DO this" she just expects it to magically happen without help. And that pains me.
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