Crabby Posting

***WARNING***- the following post is coming from current frustrations & do not necessarily indicate that anything is seriously wrong with my life, just know that I might sound considerably whiney & thoroughly candid. If that's something you'd rather not read, then don't.




I've decided that I will more than likely be one of those old ladies who is really rather abrupt & rude to irritating things/people. One of those ones who you will think of and say "well she's old enough I guess she's entitled to complaining" -or something like that.
I'm pretty sure I've already started on the path.

Since becoming ill last Thursday I've found incredible annoyance from noise I don't deem necessary, people who don't shut doors when the temperature is anywhere near below 45 degrees Fahrenheit (Seriously guys, what's so freaking hard about shutting the dang door?) also, people who don't listen to me (which is becoming more & more common as I continue to struggle with a lost voice & coughing,) people who ask for help with things I deem stupid (my current atittude towards that is: if you can't do it already by yourself either MOVE OVER and let me just do it already, or just don't do it. More often the latter.)

Another thing I don't quite understand is how men still want to be intimate at a time when their spouse is sick.
What part of either hacking out a lung or running a fever & then having cold sweats spells romance & sex to you?
And then of course I feel slightly guilty & we might end up doing at least something which then leaves me again coughing til I fall asleep.

Which! Brings me to the next part. I am currently despising of sleep.
This is a typical night:

1-As the evening sets in, become increasingly chilled/start running a fever.

2-Climb in bed, depending on the position, that itself can start a coughing fit.

3-Say evening prayers, if it's hubby's turn he's chorused quite well with a few large hacking noises, if it's mine, I whisper/cough through the entirety, with large breaks between thoughts as I attempt to keep from coughing (during which hubby might fall asleep because this prayer has stretched for so long)

4-It's at this point we say/kiss goodnight & hubby rolls away to sleep because there is no way he could possibly be comfortable enough snuggled next to something that coughs every few minutes & at this point is really rather warm.

5-I then proceed to cough/rest/cough/rest/cough, hubby usually falls asleep during this time.

6-It continues like this until somehow I do manage to fall asleep (I think?) where I either dream of coughing/wake myself up by coughing or breakout into a cold sweat while asleep & then proceed to wake up drenched & freezing again.

7- Repeat steps 5 & 6 (with the exception that hubby is still asleep through it all. Thank Goodness!)

Can you not see why now I so dislike the world?

That is the Last Time

I have to make the drive to Montana alone that is. Hopefully.
I'm back up in the lovely land of the pines. For the last stretch of interning. The plan is that I will finish up in time to be back in Utah for the 4th of July. If for some reason those now 69 more hours don't quite get completed before then, I'll just finish them in Utah with my uncle. I love it up here, but I want to be home. To my real home.

Crash and Burn

Needy. That's what it is. My mom and I were talking about different things, stuff I needed to watch out for in my friendships with guys. And depending on them way a lot was one of those things. Guys like meeting needs. That's what they are good at. But when you don't need them to, don't want them too, it gets frustrating. Also, as the girl, I needed to watch out that I was not demanding more than I should, from my guy friends. And it's something I struggle with, knowing when I demand and take too much. More than I should.
Well recently, I have noticed, yet again, how needy a certain friendship I have with an individual is. It's like, I need to be there, all the time, talking to them. If I'm not, they are saddened. An worried. It sort of drove me away really. Watching that, how much they needed that, and knowing I can't fulfill what perhaps in their heart of hearts, wants. One thing they love to do is help others find answers. And I don't feel like they can. It's just frustrating you know? I'm sorry. You read this blog, and if it really ticks you off that I'm writing about this, I'm not really sorry. Maybe then we can talk about it.
It has been my fault. For turning to this person way too often. Letting them be my "Jiminy Cricket" when really, it was better for me to have turned to my family or myself. Or girl friends.
But I feel like, even though they say maybe I'm reading too much into what they don't say, maybe again, I'm not. It doesn't change the fact that I don't want to hear how I am the one who makes them smile the most. That shouldn't be me. That's not my place. It doesn't change the fact that I am ok with them being an 'outsider' as they phrased it, to my thoughts and innermost feelings. That's where they need to be. So deal with it.
I don't need them. As rude as that might sound. I don't. My life worked perfectly well without them before now, it can do it again. I don't want their help with finding my answers, to be my Jiminy Cricket anymore. Except prayers are always good, because those are through God's message system.
But stop thinking that you are going to be there with me every step of the way. To catch me when I fall. I don't want you to, that's not your place. Just let me fall. Crash and burn if so be it. I won't. but if I do, then I will do it with myself, and with family.
I don't know. I'm just venting here. But I do know the way that I feel.