Needy. That's what it is. My mom and I were talking about different things, stuff I needed to watch out for in my friendships with guys. And depending on them way a lot was one of those things. Guys like meeting needs. That's what they are good at. But when you don't need them to, don't want them too, it gets frustrating. Also, as the girl, I needed to watch out that I was not demanding more than I should, from my guy friends. And it's something I struggle with, knowing when I demand and take too much. More than I should.
Well recently, I have noticed, yet again, how needy a certain friendship I have with an individual is. It's like, I need to be there, all the time, talking to them. If I'm not, they are saddened. An worried. It sort of drove me away really. Watching that, how much they needed that, and knowing I can't fulfill what perhaps in their heart of hearts, wants. One thing they love to do is help others find answers. And I don't feel like they can. It's just frustrating you know? I'm sorry. You read this blog, and if it really ticks you off that I'm writing about this, I'm not really sorry. Maybe then we can talk about it.
It has been my fault. For turning to this person way too often. Letting them be my "Jiminy Cricket" when really, it was better for me to have turned to my family or myself. Or girl friends.
But I feel like, even though they say maybe I'm reading too much into what they don't say, maybe again, I'm not. It doesn't change the fact that I don't want to hear how I am the one who makes them smile the most. That shouldn't be me. That's not my place. It doesn't change the fact that I am ok with them being an 'outsider' as they phrased it, to my thoughts and innermost feelings. That's where they need to be. So deal with it.
I don't need them. As rude as that might sound. I don't. My life worked perfectly well without them before now, it can do it again. I don't want their help with finding my answers, to be my Jiminy Cricket anymore. Except prayers are always good, because those are through God's message system.
But stop thinking that you are going to be there with me every step of the way. To catch me when I fall. I don't want you to, that's not your place. Just let me fall. Crash and burn if so be it. I won't. but if I do, then I will do it with myself, and with family.
I don't know. I'm just venting here. But I do know the way that I feel.
I don't want to tell you your business, but whoever this person is, they came to rely on you more than you know. We guys do have a complicated side, We want to provide, and protect, but when we do so we consider it an honor. But we need alot of care, alot of nurturing, if you don't want to give that to your friend, than don't fulfill your needs on his abilities, only to tell him he's clingy and needs to go away. If you want a guy to do these things for you, don't just take, it hurts us alot more then you know, and more than we'll ever let on.
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