Deciding

It's a Monday! And back to the everydayness of life. But that's ok. I got to talk to my family last night, those Sunday night calls are becoming the highlight of my day. I'm going to come home this weekend, it's been two months since I've seen my family, and I can hardly wait. Just thinking about it makes me incredibly happy. Time to celebrate birthdays and catch up on stories. And reconnect with friends. My family has some of my longest time friends in it. They weren't always such good friends, but I'm learning to appreciate them more now that I'm not around as much. Sad that that's the way it is, we don't truly know the value of what we have until we don't anymore. I'm just glad I can come home and see them.
I got a lesson yesterday, in how to be a friend. Mostly just because it had hit the point where I didn't know how to be, so I didn't want it anymore. This friend and I just fell apart. Somehow, we just all of the sudden weren't so close and supportive of each 0ther. I saw a need I couldn't meet, and instead of standing there and being ok with that, I was retreating. I didn't know all I really needed to do was to stand there and watch. Let it happen, let them grow. Instead of somehow thinking I needed to change it, affect it somehow. Yesterday finally though, we talked about it. And I've missed them, really I have. It was just scary and I didn't know what to do, so I chose to start walking away. Which, is not exactly the smartest thing to do.
I have this tendancy to put deadlines and expectations on myself that I really believe are coming from other people, when they really aren't. It makes for stress. And retreating. Feeling helpless.
It's not so smart.
I miss my best friend. I really do. I have lots of them, but this best friend is something special. There is just something about them that always makes me happy and want to be a better person.
I love being able to have the kinds of friendships where you can set them down, because there are other things on your plate at the time, but that when you reconnect, you've changed for sure, the friendship has not been dimished by time though. If anything, it's like a present you can reopen time and time again and it never gets old. Well we are going through one of the not so close times, it's just what happens. What needs to happen. That doesn't change the fact that I miss them lots.
It's funny, figuring out what you really want. It's a little bit terrifying too because, as long as things are not set, you can't really fail can you? At least that's what I thought. But if you don't say what it is you DO want, how can you know what you DON'T want? How can you know if you really ever get what it is you want. If you never take the time to decide.