Home Alone

And loving it!
Can't tell you how rare an occasion this is. To have EVERYONE out of the house? It's very odd. But I'm too happy about it to care about the weirdness of it :)
I've been thinking lately, about how once you're married, there is a very fine balance between joining with this person you absolutely adore & creating a life together, becoming as one, and retaining your sense of self. You need both, very much so. I just find as time goes on, I'll be sitting there & realize that my handsome & loving husband does so much talking, sometimes it's hard for me to get a word in edge-wise. Ironic no?
Isn't the girl supposed to be the noisy one?
Well I'm not nearly as talkative as I listen. Why? Because I know the value in having someone listen to you. I understand that, so I do my best to be that person for people. Not that I don't like to gab people's ears off, because I can & will do from time to time- I just realize it's not always about Me, and for the most part, other people don't feel listened to enough. Which, I have discovered by reading The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, (interesting book, it sheds a lot of light on how hormones majorly affect women,) that women need to feel included & connected to. (Duh, I could have told you that) But how do they express it? I'd definitely recommend the book, just know to take it with a grain of salt or two.
Back to what I was originally getting at. Sometimes- not very often, but it does happen- I feel swallowed up, shut up, or muted. Not that said husband is actively doing anything to 'make me feel that way' I say that because honestly he's not, he's being himself, his loving, caring, normal, human, self.
And also no one can 'make me feel' any way I don't allow them to.
Sometimes I let myself start to get lost. Now, I suppose I could use the quote "Lose yourself in Christ & you will find yourself" but I don't think God ever meant we were supposed to lose our opinions, loves, thoughts & feelings. That would be called dead. We were sent to this earth to LIVE.
This is my life, my person, and my choices. I choose to live. I chose & am choosing to live a life of love, gratitude, & service, even if it is only in small ways.
'Life' has a way of getting in the way & helping us forget what we really know & choose. Getting us to think we need to be busier than is healthy, do more than is physically possible, and stretch until we are emotionally exhausted. That is not me though.
So, it's at moments like these, when the house is quiet but for the noises I choose to allow into my life, that I rejoice in the chance I have to remind myself, who I am.

It's January

Nothing quite reminds you of that more than the smog currently inhabiting the valley floor right? I was driving to my sister-in-law's baby shower last night and it was amazing the difference between Salt Lake and Utah counties. This morning there wasn't much of one, but still, I know what I saw, and it WAS clear in Utah county last night. Makes me grateful I don't live in this yucky air all the time. My grandma's house (where we are staying currently while Sam has work up here) is smack dab in the middle of the city, but excepting the fog you couldn't really tell, here on this sleepy dead end road of a street. I've always loved her house. Just pick it up and move it into the country where it truly belongs (and where it was, a mere 40 years ago) and I would be content to spend the rest of my life is such a house as this.
The wisdom and love from the amazing people who have made this house a home has crept into every nook and cranny of this lovely rambler and it's home to many a pleasant memory for me. It's where I learned the art of cookie making, the joy of the sound of a piano, where I got my first ballet lessons, cake decorating lessons, and so many more lessons on the nuances of life, both adolescent and adult. This is the home that has hosted so many Easter egg hunts, 4th of July celebrations, Christmases and Thanksgivings, and so many more gatherings, even once holding our family as we grieved the passing of a beloved uncle, son, brother, and friend. Yet there was laughter there too, as we recalled so many memories now engraved in our hearts.
This is a place I run for solace, when the world has gone crazy and I'm unsure of myself and the path I should take. For here I regain my bearings and recommit to myself and who I am becoming.
Isn't that what January is all about? Recommiting, rededicating, and recentering.

I don't care

When I was younger and even more recently now, when I got into fights or arguments and my mother would intervene to punish me, I would protest saying something to the effect of "But you don't know how hard I was working to NOT be as rude as I was! Can't you at least cut me a little slack because I could have been a lot more mean?"
She'd say "I don't care how mean you could have been. I don't care how much you tried to not be rude, you were extremely out of line" and proceed to dole out correction.
Her answer always made me angry and I never did quite understand it.
Til this morning on my way to school. All of the sudden I went "duh. Ahha!"
I really don't care how mean you could have been, you still were cruel.
That's exactly what she meant. And now I get it :)
I walked to school today. It is too lovely of a day to want to drive. Plus I'm doing my part to 'save the environment', the school is only 15 minutes walking distance away from my house, I need the exercise, the list goes on. And so does life.