I've been CRAVING chocolate lately. And a good talk with one of my best friends, we have a lot to catch up on. Last night I was able to satisfy both of those cravings at least a little bit. She had a performance and I went for moral support. Moral support means a lot sometimes. More than perhaps we'll ever know.
Can I just tell you how much I love her? She is a wonderful woman and I wonder how long I could have gone on in life without knowing her. We met, and became instant friends the first time we spent more than 5 minutes together. I don't know that I'd still be sane if it wasn't for her, she became my closest friend at a time when I didn't have close (at least in distance) friends. It's a little bit wacky. We are a little bit wacky. But that's just part of how wonderful life is.
I love my classroom when there are no children in it. Haha, that sounds almost horrible, but the silence is good. It's a companion to me too. I talk to my room. Leaving for Spring Break I had a friend with me and started saying goodbye to my room and he looked at me like "are you talking to me?", I laughed and said "I talk to my classroom." I also talk to my car, and my books, my printer, my hair. Some people might think I'm crazy and you know what? I am ;)
Friday, April 17, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Growing Hurts and Change is Painful
So no school today, one of the Kindergarten teachers grandbabies died of SIDS a few days ago and they are holding the viewing and funeral today. We respectfully decided to close school for you see, this building is used for many purposes. Funerals being one of them.
Another one of my parents friends, a couple I know and grew up watching, just lost their baby girl yesterday morning as well. She was born with heart problems and her life has been a long struggle full of prayers. Maybe it's just because I know her story, family and parents more that my heart reaches out in compassion toward them. I'm reminded how hard it is to lose someone. Especially a baby.
Filed taxes yesterday. Super late yes I know, but my main employer last year had sent out the W-2 forms, I'd lost them somewhere, recontacted them requesting a copy about three weeks ago, and they waited til yesterday morning to finally give me it. Talk about stressing...
I couldn't sleep last night, and around 2:30 Riley woke up and started bawling. His foot was really hurting him I guess. Growing pains are not fun at all, I know, I had them terribly. I held him for a while til he calmed down again, refilled his hot water bottle, and he fell asleep again. It's funny how by reaching out to others you tend to forget your own aches and hurts. After that I was able to fall asleep. Let's just say I'm extremely grateful we don't have school today.
I'm also grateful for wonderful friends. I told some of my best girl friends some happy news, and realized how much having someone to share your joy with, makes it even better. I wonder why we restrict ourselves from sharing in others joys. Often times instead of rejoicing for another we harboring selfish thoughts and self-pities. It's detrimental, to both ourselves and the other person. And it's hard. Anyway. Just something I realized and am going to try to do better in myself.
Another one of my parents friends, a couple I know and grew up watching, just lost their baby girl yesterday morning as well. She was born with heart problems and her life has been a long struggle full of prayers. Maybe it's just because I know her story, family and parents more that my heart reaches out in compassion toward them. I'm reminded how hard it is to lose someone. Especially a baby.
Filed taxes yesterday. Super late yes I know, but my main employer last year had sent out the W-2 forms, I'd lost them somewhere, recontacted them requesting a copy about three weeks ago, and they waited til yesterday morning to finally give me it. Talk about stressing...
I couldn't sleep last night, and around 2:30 Riley woke up and started bawling. His foot was really hurting him I guess. Growing pains are not fun at all, I know, I had them terribly. I held him for a while til he calmed down again, refilled his hot water bottle, and he fell asleep again. It's funny how by reaching out to others you tend to forget your own aches and hurts. After that I was able to fall asleep. Let's just say I'm extremely grateful we don't have school today.
I'm also grateful for wonderful friends. I told some of my best girl friends some happy news, and realized how much having someone to share your joy with, makes it even better. I wonder why we restrict ourselves from sharing in others joys. Often times instead of rejoicing for another we harboring selfish thoughts and self-pities. It's detrimental, to both ourselves and the other person. And it's hard. Anyway. Just something I realized and am going to try to do better in myself.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Funny things dreams. Truthfully I wonder at them. Sometimes they have significance, and other times, I think we put too much stock in the interpretation of them. Honestly.
Dreams, are just that. Dreams. Not reality. Of course, in order to make a dream reality, you have to have it first. Maybe I'm just too cynical.
But as for my experience, dreams show something, some part of yourself, that maybe you didn't see before. But to have dreams for others? I don't know. I don't know if I put much stock in that. Maybe it's just because I've had so many people telling me what to do, how and where they see me. I still balk. And freak out. Is this wrong? Is it wrong that I instinctively get turned off when someone tells me they have had a dream about.... something or another concerning me. That's their perspective of me. Not actually me.
I don't know. I don't know if it's wrong of me, to be like that. It also hasn't happened with some people. Maybe it's trust? Why do I trust one, and not another? Should I trust one the same as the other? My heart says no. I guess I should just listen a little more to it.
I'm too much of a person who tries to please others. And then I turn around and look at it all. The hurt I've caused by opening my big mouth and talking. The expectations, the unsaid ones. Those frighten me. The silences that have taken place of what used to be conversation. Because somehow words don't matter anymore. When it comes down to it all, actions are the truest witness.
Anyway, just thinking out loud I guess.
Dreams, are just that. Dreams. Not reality. Of course, in order to make a dream reality, you have to have it first. Maybe I'm just too cynical.
But as for my experience, dreams show something, some part of yourself, that maybe you didn't see before. But to have dreams for others? I don't know. I don't know if I put much stock in that. Maybe it's just because I've had so many people telling me what to do, how and where they see me. I still balk. And freak out. Is this wrong? Is it wrong that I instinctively get turned off when someone tells me they have had a dream about.... something or another concerning me. That's their perspective of me. Not actually me.
I don't know. I don't know if it's wrong of me, to be like that. It also hasn't happened with some people. Maybe it's trust? Why do I trust one, and not another? Should I trust one the same as the other? My heart says no. I guess I should just listen a little more to it.
I'm too much of a person who tries to please others. And then I turn around and look at it all. The hurt I've caused by opening my big mouth and talking. The expectations, the unsaid ones. Those frighten me. The silences that have taken place of what used to be conversation. Because somehow words don't matter anymore. When it comes down to it all, actions are the truest witness.
Anyway, just thinking out loud I guess.
Monday, April 13, 2009
The *not so* Brief Update
So a lot has been happening. Especially in about the past week/week and a half. Spring break began on the 3rd with a half day. I walked out the door that morning and found someone I hadn't expected to see for a while leaned up against the side of my house watching the snow fall. I was too stressed to be pleasantly surprised like I was the last time he randomly showed up- sadly.
Anyway, I invited him in and left him in the kitchen talking to my grandmother, while I went to school. He talked to her the whole time I was gone. It made me laugh, there aren't many friends I have who can do that, but he is one of them.
After school we had a good time, got ice cream, went on a walk, all the usual stuff. Talked. It was good.
He'd come up for the youth retreat that Saturday and Sunday.
That is a whole 'nother story. Let's just say 36 hours and about 15 hours of sleep, don't sit too well with me. I was cranky. And all the stress that'd built up over these past few weeks was only beginning to come out.
Anyway, we got home Sunday afternoon, and stayed up until four that morning, talking again. Long story short, we knew we were going to be in major trouble but it had needed to happen :)
My parents found out the next day... when I walked in the door my uncle was wide awake. I was too tired to care though, I was going to tell them anyway, I just hadn't expected it to be like that. Oh well.
So Monday I travelled home, here to Utah, and that night he came over to my parents home and we straightened things out with them, telling them what we'd talked about and decided so late at night.
Bottom line is.... we're not talking for a month, absolute no contact, and then sometime in the future we're getting back together again. Super happy to finally be able to say that, and my parents are rather relieved we finally owned up to what was going on instead of insisting to 'just be friends'. Haha.
Tuesday I went to go see a friend from my old work and that night I left for my 'disappearing' with my girl friends. I was really really tired and actually we were supposed to have left that morning but I begged them to postpone it a little.
We went to Cedar City (for the first time I can ever remember going there, sad huh?) and stayed with one of the girl's aunts that first night. Then on to Saint George where we spent Wednesday and Thursday. I think we all learned a lot on that trip. Not that it actually came to outright fights or anything, but I realized how much I have changed, who I am. Seeing these girls that I've grown up with since before I can remember, and to see how we have changed, how we are different, and where we are the same, was really a needed experience. And we had fun too.
I found my wedding dress! Just kidding, actually, at the DI for $100, pretty much amazing. It was adorable and only needed a jacket for sleeves or something. It's a pity I didn't have $100 to spare. haha.
We took crazy pictures, fell asleep in the sun, played around in the pool, and did other sorts of insane things that only best friends can do and actually make look good.
Friday we came home, and I spent time with the family. Can I just say how much I'm looking forward to moving home with my family and the community we live in? It's wonderful.
Saturday morning I woke up with all the intentions of getting my car re-registered... and ended up crashing it into a cement barrier at the gas station, deploying the passenger side air bag and leaving even MORE repairs to be done. Seriously, it was really rather hard to see the bright spot in the whole mess. I still don't know how I'm going to be able to pay for it. But it's in God's hands and He'll provide. I do know that I'm grateful no one was hurt and that the damage was minimal.
At this point I was totally NOT in the mood to attend the dance that night and in desparate need of girl time so I called up my best friend Courtney and we arranged to meet up and hang out. But first there were other things to do. Like drive my sister to her friends house and meet up with a friend who'd been insisting we needed to talk face to face for a while. He was right. The conversation needed to take place, there were too many miscommunications that had to be cleared up. It happened, life goes on. What needed to be said was said. Granted it could have taken place better than it did. But the past is in the past.
After that I got to spend hours with Court, catching up on everything. Oh there was tons to cover. Then we drove up to Heber City to visit a friend I call Amazing Boy. He'd just gotten his wisdom teeth removed the day before and boy did I have sympathy for him!
The whole evening was wonderful and completely what I needed.
Sunday was a good day, Easter morning always seems to be beautiful, doesn't matter where you are. I was able to chat for a little bit with my engaged friend. He's marrying one of my best friends come this June, and has always been so encouraging and supportive of me and my dreams. Haha, unfortunately he seems to know that every girl in the world has at one point or another, had a crush on him. So he tends to think all girls love him. Which, he's right, about 90% of the time. It's just the other 10% he is oblivious to. And that makes me laugh.
Then we went over to my aunt's house and did an Easter Egg Hunt. Dad hid these Starburst jellybeans... I don't know if we ever did manage to find all of them. It was tons of fun.
Now I'm here, waiting for news on my car.... and hopefully I can get home in time to teach tomorrow morning. Life goes on!
Anyway, I invited him in and left him in the kitchen talking to my grandmother, while I went to school. He talked to her the whole time I was gone. It made me laugh, there aren't many friends I have who can do that, but he is one of them.
After school we had a good time, got ice cream, went on a walk, all the usual stuff. Talked. It was good.
He'd come up for the youth retreat that Saturday and Sunday.
That is a whole 'nother story. Let's just say 36 hours and about 15 hours of sleep, don't sit too well with me. I was cranky. And all the stress that'd built up over these past few weeks was only beginning to come out.
Anyway, we got home Sunday afternoon, and stayed up until four that morning, talking again. Long story short, we knew we were going to be in major trouble but it had needed to happen :)
My parents found out the next day... when I walked in the door my uncle was wide awake. I was too tired to care though, I was going to tell them anyway, I just hadn't expected it to be like that. Oh well.
So Monday I travelled home, here to Utah, and that night he came over to my parents home and we straightened things out with them, telling them what we'd talked about and decided so late at night.
Bottom line is.... we're not talking for a month, absolute no contact, and then sometime in the future we're getting back together again. Super happy to finally be able to say that, and my parents are rather relieved we finally owned up to what was going on instead of insisting to 'just be friends'. Haha.
Tuesday I went to go see a friend from my old work and that night I left for my 'disappearing' with my girl friends. I was really really tired and actually we were supposed to have left that morning but I begged them to postpone it a little.
We went to Cedar City (for the first time I can ever remember going there, sad huh?) and stayed with one of the girl's aunts that first night. Then on to Saint George where we spent Wednesday and Thursday. I think we all learned a lot on that trip. Not that it actually came to outright fights or anything, but I realized how much I have changed, who I am. Seeing these girls that I've grown up with since before I can remember, and to see how we have changed, how we are different, and where we are the same, was really a needed experience. And we had fun too.
I found my wedding dress! Just kidding, actually, at the DI for $100, pretty much amazing. It was adorable and only needed a jacket for sleeves or something. It's a pity I didn't have $100 to spare. haha.
We took crazy pictures, fell asleep in the sun, played around in the pool, and did other sorts of insane things that only best friends can do and actually make look good.
Friday we came home, and I spent time with the family. Can I just say how much I'm looking forward to moving home with my family and the community we live in? It's wonderful.
Saturday morning I woke up with all the intentions of getting my car re-registered... and ended up crashing it into a cement barrier at the gas station, deploying the passenger side air bag and leaving even MORE repairs to be done. Seriously, it was really rather hard to see the bright spot in the whole mess. I still don't know how I'm going to be able to pay for it. But it's in God's hands and He'll provide. I do know that I'm grateful no one was hurt and that the damage was minimal.
At this point I was totally NOT in the mood to attend the dance that night and in desparate need of girl time so I called up my best friend Courtney and we arranged to meet up and hang out. But first there were other things to do. Like drive my sister to her friends house and meet up with a friend who'd been insisting we needed to talk face to face for a while. He was right. The conversation needed to take place, there were too many miscommunications that had to be cleared up. It happened, life goes on. What needed to be said was said. Granted it could have taken place better than it did. But the past is in the past.
After that I got to spend hours with Court, catching up on everything. Oh there was tons to cover. Then we drove up to Heber City to visit a friend I call Amazing Boy. He'd just gotten his wisdom teeth removed the day before and boy did I have sympathy for him!
The whole evening was wonderful and completely what I needed.
Sunday was a good day, Easter morning always seems to be beautiful, doesn't matter where you are. I was able to chat for a little bit with my engaged friend. He's marrying one of my best friends come this June, and has always been so encouraging and supportive of me and my dreams. Haha, unfortunately he seems to know that every girl in the world has at one point or another, had a crush on him. So he tends to think all girls love him. Which, he's right, about 90% of the time. It's just the other 10% he is oblivious to. And that makes me laugh.
Then we went over to my aunt's house and did an Easter Egg Hunt. Dad hid these Starburst jellybeans... I don't know if we ever did manage to find all of them. It was tons of fun.
Now I'm here, waiting for news on my car.... and hopefully I can get home in time to teach tomorrow morning. Life goes on!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
No more blue screen
Hey look! I'm back up and running! Haha. And then will be off again for Spring Break.
Tomorrow is a half day and then a glorious 11 day break! Haha yay! I'm SO excited, I cannot even tell you. This break is MUCH needed.
Umm, life's happening. Kind of going through a cranky stage, but this too shall pass.
Nolen is adorable and so wonderful to hold. The weather is trying to be Spring but likes the snow too much to say goodbye all the way. Which I'm ok with. Nothing better than the feel of snowflakes on your eyelashes :D
Tomorrow is a half day and then a glorious 11 day break! Haha yay! I'm SO excited, I cannot even tell you. This break is MUCH needed.
Umm, life's happening. Kind of going through a cranky stage, but this too shall pass.
Nolen is adorable and so wonderful to hold. The weather is trying to be Spring but likes the snow too much to say goodbye all the way. Which I'm ok with. Nothing better than the feel of snowflakes on your eyelashes :D
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
What have you learned?
Tomorrow are PTC's! Ahhh!
It just hit last night. Yay for stresses! haha
We had a really good faculty meeting and I had the opportunity of talking with the principal about next year. Saddening to realize that this is just a one year thing, seriously I got really... sad.
All this, will no longer be my reality, just a memory with lasting effects.
We were discussing a certain young boy and he posed the question "Is he ready for 4th grade?"
...... wow. Ummm.
Honestly? I don't think so.... and that is something else that slightly really makes me sad. What have I done to really honestly prepare him for learning more? I mean. Yeah.
What do you do with that?
I hope that he has learned to be a better student, to learn more, but I seriously think he'd benefit from summer school or something. A tutor. One on one learning so he doesn't feel that he's lost in the crowd. Oh! IDEA! Maybe I can tutor him over the summer? Maybe? I don't know. Maybe even someone else
I feel it would be really beneficial though. Maybe I can talk with his parents and arrange something? Maybe? This will be cool to follow-up with.
Baby has a name now! Nolen Adan Stoker. Haha :) Out of 70 grandchildren he is the first to actually have been named directly after my grandfather Adan (pronounced Uh-don, for white people who slaughter the Spanish language lol). We have Adam's galore, but none with his exact name. Until now. Kind of cool to think about.
Been walking a lot lately, it's wonderful. I love the ability God has given us to DO things. To be able to walk, dance, and exercise. To grow. To change. Pretty incredible huh?
It just hit last night. Yay for stresses! haha
We had a really good faculty meeting and I had the opportunity of talking with the principal about next year. Saddening to realize that this is just a one year thing, seriously I got really... sad.
All this, will no longer be my reality, just a memory with lasting effects.
We were discussing a certain young boy and he posed the question "Is he ready for 4th grade?"
...... wow. Ummm.
Honestly? I don't think so.... and that is something else that slightly really makes me sad. What have I done to really honestly prepare him for learning more? I mean. Yeah.
What do you do with that?
I hope that he has learned to be a better student, to learn more, but I seriously think he'd benefit from summer school or something. A tutor. One on one learning so he doesn't feel that he's lost in the crowd. Oh! IDEA! Maybe I can tutor him over the summer? Maybe? I don't know. Maybe even someone else
I feel it would be really beneficial though. Maybe I can talk with his parents and arrange something? Maybe? This will be cool to follow-up with.
Baby has a name now! Nolen Adan Stoker. Haha :) Out of 70 grandchildren he is the first to actually have been named directly after my grandfather Adan (pronounced Uh-don, for white people who slaughter the Spanish language lol). We have Adam's galore, but none with his exact name. Until now. Kind of cool to think about.
Been walking a lot lately, it's wonderful. I love the ability God has given us to DO things. To be able to walk, dance, and exercise. To grow. To change. Pretty incredible huh?
Monday, March 23, 2009
Happiness is a Choice
I hate goodbyes. They are not fun.
Ok, now that I've gotten that said, on to happier things.
Yes, my sisters are gone. They left right after Sunday School yesterday morning. I miss them already but the fact that I will be home in two weeks gives me great happiness, and I'm not gonna lie, moving back home will be a totally welcome development.
I got a letter today! Absolutely love letters :D It's actually a little bit ridiculous how happy I get when I have one. I should write my missionary friends more often though.... and other friends who email me.... sorry guys.
It's sunshiny and wonderful today! My student Alley brought me some flowers today, buttercups to be exact. Picked right out of the field and still smelling wonderful, it was amazing! :D
It's been raining these past few days, I love the rain.
School is good. Really these kids are such good friends to me, it's more than I deserve sometimes.
Music class is now over though, it ended for the year at the performance they had this past Friday. Some are happy, others sad, but one thing's for sure, it'll be here again next year.
We are onto the last quarter of the school year.... insane huh? But not really, I can't wait for it to be over, even while I know it will be sorely missed. So life goes on, and it's just what we need, right when we need it.
I'm reading Isaiah Decoded, wonderful book, although truthfully I do wish he'd use more references in his text. Anyway, I love it very much, and I'm learning a lot of things. Some that I already 'know'. That is something I've come to realize about the gospel. How much most of it, I seem to have already known all along. It's more of a remembering. "Oh yes, this is the way it is"
Something I love about the gospel is how much it just MAKES SENSE. It just does. Truth always will. The parts that seem to be confusing are only because we muddy the waters and are imperfect in our application of the gospel to everyday life sometimes.
I was reading something aloud to Lisa about how trials are there to exalt us, and she commented something I wanted to share, because it struck me as well. It's on pages 50-53 for those who care to read along and see really what the book said but basically the principle it was discussing was how in order to ascend to heaven, we have to temporarily descend into hell. Our loyalty in the blood-covenant with Christ will be tested, so God knows who it is that he can count on. The higher the ascent, the lower the temporary descent. And Lis said this:
"It's so funny with things like this how much it's more of an 'in one ear, out the other' kind of thing" and I was like What? She went on to explain. How much we *already know* at least in theory, if not in fact, that God gives us trials because he loves us, but when we're in the middle of the trial, we always seem to ask Why? Why Me?
I agree with her. Funny thing isn't it?
Ok, now that I've gotten that said, on to happier things.
Yes, my sisters are gone. They left right after Sunday School yesterday morning. I miss them already but the fact that I will be home in two weeks gives me great happiness, and I'm not gonna lie, moving back home will be a totally welcome development.
I got a letter today! Absolutely love letters :D It's actually a little bit ridiculous how happy I get when I have one. I should write my missionary friends more often though.... and other friends who email me.... sorry guys.
It's sunshiny and wonderful today! My student Alley brought me some flowers today, buttercups to be exact. Picked right out of the field and still smelling wonderful, it was amazing! :D
It's been raining these past few days, I love the rain.
School is good. Really these kids are such good friends to me, it's more than I deserve sometimes.
Music class is now over though, it ended for the year at the performance they had this past Friday. Some are happy, others sad, but one thing's for sure, it'll be here again next year.
We are onto the last quarter of the school year.... insane huh? But not really, I can't wait for it to be over, even while I know it will be sorely missed. So life goes on, and it's just what we need, right when we need it.
I'm reading Isaiah Decoded, wonderful book, although truthfully I do wish he'd use more references in his text. Anyway, I love it very much, and I'm learning a lot of things. Some that I already 'know'. That is something I've come to realize about the gospel. How much most of it, I seem to have already known all along. It's more of a remembering. "Oh yes, this is the way it is"
Something I love about the gospel is how much it just MAKES SENSE. It just does. Truth always will. The parts that seem to be confusing are only because we muddy the waters and are imperfect in our application of the gospel to everyday life sometimes.
I was reading something aloud to Lisa about how trials are there to exalt us, and she commented something I wanted to share, because it struck me as well. It's on pages 50-53 for those who care to read along and see really what the book said but basically the principle it was discussing was how in order to ascend to heaven, we have to temporarily descend into hell. Our loyalty in the blood-covenant with Christ will be tested, so God knows who it is that he can count on. The higher the ascent, the lower the temporary descent. And Lis said this:
"It's so funny with things like this how much it's more of an 'in one ear, out the other' kind of thing" and I was like What? She went on to explain. How much we *already know* at least in theory, if not in fact, that God gives us trials because he loves us, but when we're in the middle of the trial, we always seem to ask Why? Why Me?
I agree with her. Funny thing isn't it?
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